December « 2006 « Dear Jane Podcasts

Archive for December, 2006

How to Commit to Yourself

Monday, December 25th, 2006

Dear Jane,
How do you commit to yourself as steadfastly as you commit to others?

When we are more committed to others’ well-being or happiness than to our own, we are suffering from low self-worth. Often, people who overcommit to others feel ashamed to even have needs or wants, accusing themselves of selfishness at every turn.

However, the flip side of this self-scorn is a buildup of resentment towards others. This resentment often overflows and spills out at the oddest moments, surprising not just the receiver but the giver.

The first thing you can do is recognize that this does not have to be an either/or world. Giving openheartedly to yourself does not have to exclude being generous with others. In fact, the more kindness and compassion we offer ourselves, the more kindness and compassion we have available for others.

So begin by questioning the authority of this either/or belief system. Be open to experiencing a life of both/and. “I can be both committed to myself and committed to others.” You will find lots of tips and some amazing stories in Enough Is Enough! to help you make this transition. And I promise that your life will begin to feel more extraordinary.

About Jane
Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:dear jane, generosity, giving, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, low self esteem, resentment, self-love
Posted in Blogs | 1 Comment »

Being Yourself

Monday, December 25th, 2006

Dear Jane,
Why can’t I be myself? I’m always afraid that I’m not good enough, that I have to cater to others first, that nothing I feel, do, or believe measures up. I don’t think it comes from how others see me; it comes from inside me, and I can’t figure out why.

Even if it comes from others, you’re right that these thoughts originate within you. Who is this self that you are so afraid doesn’t measure up to your standards? Do you look at a baby and even think to say, “You don’t measure up”? How are you any different from that little, perfect being? When could your perfection have diminished?

You are in an illusion that you are telling yourself for some reason—probably a reason so old you can’t even remember when you began to tell yourself that you are unworthy. Perhaps you inherited this belief from your parents.

What you must do now, for your precious spirit’s sake, is question authority—especially yours! Ask yourself, “How does it serve me to hold onto this self-judgment and limiting belief?” Every harsh judgment we place on ourselves is an attempt to keep us safe somehow—safe from further rejection or abandonment usually. This is how people pleasing becomes such a habit-forming behavior.

I encourage you to read Chapter 4 of Enough Is Enough! “Drop Your Acts: Become Who You Already Are.” Until we are authentic, we cannot feel loved because if others don’t know us, how can they love us? There’s no “us” there to love. You can change your life in an instant by changing just one thought or one behavior today. This is vital work for your spirit.

Tags:authentic self, dear jane, fear of rejection, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, low self esteem, self-judgment, self-love, spirit, unworthy, worthiness
Posted in Blogs | No Comments »

Healing Your Grief

Monday, December 25th, 2006

.: Play Now | Play in Popup | Downloads 206

Dear Jane,
Why do I feel so bogged down and sooo wrapped up with myself that it has become a physical thing? I feel like I have “cancer of the heart.” When will this sad, unrelenting “Why me? It’s not fair. I don’t deserve a divorce” mindset ever go away?

First of all, you are asking yourself the wrong questions, questions that set you up for staying in a rut because they are so self-judging.

Although I don’t know how long you have been feeling this unrelenting sadness, it is important to respect your grief. When you lose a relationship, whether it is to divorce or death, you have a right to grieve. Unpopular as grieving is, it is necessary to experience for as long as it’s there. The more you beat yourself up about grieving, the slower the healing process. Practice more compassion for yourself. You have lost something. You feel rejected. These feelings are hard enough without your shaming yourself for them.

Perhaps this divorce is also bringing up past loss or rejection. Or you may be experiencing clinical depression or Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome in addition to your grief. I encourage you to talk to a life coach or therapist to help assess your unique situation. You shouldn’t have to bear the burden of your pain alone.

Read Chapter 6 of Enough Is Enough!, “Unchain Your Heart: Free Your Feelings” and also Chapter 7, “Take Off Your Armor: Heal Your Anger and Resentment.” Underneath your self-pity may be anger and resentment that need to see the light of day in order for you to get free. Please keep me posted.

Tags:dear jane, divorce, grief, healing process, Jane Straus, post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd, rejection, resentment, self-judgment
Posted in Blogs, Dear Jane Podcasts | No Comments »

How to Know When You Are Fulfilled

Friday, December 22nd, 2006

.: Play Now | Play in Popup | Downloads 197

Dear Jane,
How can I figure out whether I am doing what makes me happy? What are some of the symptoms of unhappiness, or must I wait for a life-threatening situation?

I wrote Enough Is Enough! to help others avoid having to go through a life-threatening situation in order to wake up to your spirit’s calling.

If you are having to ask yourself if you are happy, then you probably aren’t. Perhaps you haven’t yet had the satisfaction that goes with fulfilling your spirit’s purpose, so you don’t know what benchmark to compare your feelings with.

The symptoms of endurance or a less-than-thriving life are discussed in depth in my book. I will give you a short list here that you should find helpful:
Anxiety, addiction, depression, cynicism, hopelessness, helplessness, boredom, frustration, resentment, endless To Do lists, ruts, listlessness…the list goes on and on!

The most important thing you can do is to pay attention. If you are suffering from any of these symptoms, don’t ignore yourself. You deserve to create a thriving, extraordinary life. Remember, others in your life will benefit also. As one bumper sticker says, “Become the person your dog thinks you are.” This is a way of saying that you owe it to yourself to like the reflection you see in the mirror. Time is precious and so is your spirit. Begin today!

Tags:dear jane, endurance mode, extraordinary life, happiness, Jane Straus, life purpose, listening to spirit, spirit, thriving
Posted in Blogs, Dear Jane Podcasts | No Comments »

Five Strategies to Ensure You’ll Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions

Thursday, December 21st, 2006

Dear Jane,
I always break my New Year’s resolutions. What can I do differently this year?

This is the time of year when we tend to do two things:
1. We stand in front of a mirror and reprimand ourselves for all our bad habits.
2. We promise that “we shall overcome” these same bad habits beginning January 1.

And what tends to happen by mid-January? We are back to where we were, only worse because now we are really beating ourselves up for our behaviors. So how do we get out of this self-flagellating, humiliating vicious cycle?

Here are 5 strategies to boost your chances that you will actually keep your promises to yourself:

1. Start small. If you want to lose 20 pounds, make a resolution to lose five pounds. Then when you have achieved this goal, make a new agreement with yourself. It’s much easier to continue with a new habit that’s working than to set the bar so high that anything less will feel like failure.
2. Isolate one behavior you are willing to modify. If you are resolving to work out, for example, do you need to get up a half an hour earlier? Exercise during lunch hour? If you are resolving to lose weight, are you willing to cut down on alcohol or sweets or fats? Are you willing to trade in your cheeseburger and fries for a salad? Be honest about what you are willing to do and you won’t disappoint yourself down the line.
3. Start with a clean slate. Most of us pick the same resolution every year. This is a setup for shame and self-blame. Get creative. Think of something you’d like to do or do differently that you haven’t considered before. You’re more likely to succeed when you start from a neutral place rather than in the red.
4. Explore what’s been holding you back. Resistance usually has a fear underlying it. What are you afraid of if you succeed? Rejection? Isolation? Abandonment? In Enough Is Enough!, Chapter 5, Break the Spell of Fear, I discuss how to make fear your ally.
5. Voice your commitment. Tell someone else what you intend to do so that they can help support you if you waiver. Give them permission to remind you how important this resolution was to you on December 31.

You have the responsibility (ability to respond) to treat yourself with dignity, respect, and compassion when you make your New Year’s resolutions. Make this your year for win/win experiences with yourself.

Tags:dear jane, fear, goal setting, habits, Jane Straus, lifestyle change, New Year’s Resolutions, self sabotage
Posted in Blogs | No Comments »

Your Life Purpose

Wednesday, December 20th, 2006

Dear Jane,
What is my life aim? My birth date: 2/14/76, time 05:10 p.m.

It seems as though you are looking for an astrological or numerological reading. Before I suggest where to get help with this, I will let you know how I approach this very important spiritual quest.

When I help people explore their life purpose(s), I ask questions that are helpful in letting their spirit speak up, such as:
1. What do you enjoy doing?
2. What gives your life meaning currently?
3. What gave you meaning or fulfillment in the past?
4. If you could be anyone else, who would you be? What would you be doing?
5. Whom do you admire?

These questions should spark a good discussion and help lead you to your deepest truths of who you are becoming.

For numerological and astrological guidance, I recommend Carol Adrienne, who wrote the foreword to Enough Is Enough!
She offers a free, brief online chart to help you begin exploring your life from this perspective.

Tags:dear jane, fulfilling life, fulfillment, Jane Straus, life purpose, listening to spirit
Posted in Blogs | No Comments »

Bringing Humor and Laughter Back Into Your Life

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006

Dear Jane,
How can I bring back more humor and laughter into my life. I listen to my beautiful children laughing and having fun and long for this free spirit.

Maybe it would be helpful for you to find out when your joy seems to have “disappeared.”
1. What used to make you laugh or feel joy?
2. When did you stop feeling happy?
3. Is there something missing in your life?
4. Are you imitating the way it was in your home growing up? Were the children
happier than their parents?
5. Do you do too much for others or not enough for yourself?
6. What DO you feel, if not happiness and light heartedness?

If you are depressed, don’t hesitate to let your doctor know. There can be physical causes for depression and you don’t want to feel that you are failing when you may be struggling with body chemistry imbalances.

If resentment is overshadowing your joy, read Chapter 7 of Enough Is Enough! “Take Off Your Armor: Heal Your Anger and Resentment.” You will find a powerful exercise to get at any underlying regrets. Once you are in touch with your regrets, you will find it easier to forgive and make peace with yourself. This will get you back into feeling the joy you long to share with your children.

Tags:dear jane, depression, happiness, home, Jane Straus, joy, laughter, regret, resentment
Posted in Blogs | No Comments »

Shining Your Light In the Face of Misery

Monday, December 18th, 2006

Dear Jane,
I wonder if it is possible to be happy, to live one`s inspiring life when the dear people around you suffer. You can see the way out if you were in their place, but you can`t live their life.

It is even more important to foster your own happiness and to live an inspired life when you see others around you who are suffering unnecessarily, imprisoned in their fear, hurt, self-judgments, or limiting beliefs. If you take on their misery, you are not serving them. They will only believe in their own helplessness and pain more. The Buddha said to “Be the light.” Just as fear is contagious, so are inspiration, peace, compassion, and joy. When we shine our light by choosing these states whenever possible, we help illuminate the way for others.

Tags:Buddha, compassion, dear jane, fear, inner light, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, self-judgment, shine your light, suffering
Posted in Blogs | No Comments »

Letting Go of A Destructive Love

Friday, December 15th, 2006

.: Play Now | Play in Popup | Downloads 209

Dear Jane,
How do you let go of a love you know is not good for you?

Being in love with the “wrong” person is the seed of so many poems, novels, films, plays—not to mention the core of much of our pain and longing. While I don’t know your particular situation, I can say that willing yourself not to love someone is very difficult. I’ve never known anyone who was successful at it. Just as falling in love is a mysterious phenomenon so is falling out of love. Both often happen when we least expect it. What you can do is treat yourself with dignity, respect, and care in the meantime.

In my life coaching practice, I often work with people desperate to let go of “unhealthy love.” The most important question to answer is: Are you self-destructive in the relationship? If so, recognize that what you are calling love is not love; it is an addiction. Addictions feel good in moments but we pay the price, feeling a loss of self-esteem, powerlessness, hopelessness, anxiety, and depression to name a few symptoms. While you may not be able to “fall out of love,” just as an alcoholic may not be able to simply quit drinking, you can seek professional help to get you through the withdrawal period.

Like any addiction, you have to be ready to end your attachment to the relationship to really let go. If you’re not ready, be truthful with yourself. See what value there still is for you in the relationship. You can still gain insight and grow within a negative relationship (as long as you are not being emotionally or physically abused). Most importantly, stop judging your feelings. It’s a waste of time and only adds to self-destructive behavior. Take a look in my book, Enough Is Enough!, Chapter 3, “Remove Your Blinders.” It will help you begin to trust that you will learn something of value from this pain, something that you will not forget once you are released from the longing.

Tags:addiction, dear jane, Jane Straus, love, relationship, relationship advice, self-judgment, unhealthy love
Posted in Blogs, Dear Jane Podcasts | No Comments »

Overcoming Your Fear of Public Speaking

Thursday, December 14th, 2006

Dear Jane,
How can I overcome my fear of public speaking?

Did you know that a survey showed that Americans fear public speaking more than they fear death? Since people who are afraid to speak in public believe they may die from stage fright, it’s a double whammy.

So first, take comfort in knowing you share a fear with most of the human race. This fear is often based on a fear of making a fool of ourselves, of being embarrassed, humiliated, or criticized. Underlying that may be a belief that we are not worthy of respect for voicing our thoughts. So the first step is to respect your own voice, your own thoughts, your own being regardless of others. This is no easy task but it is good practice whether you are ever in front of people or not. You can start by acknowledging your qualities. Make a list of them. Before you go up “on stage,” look at that list to remind yourself of who you really are. This may help you detach from the fearful outcome you dread.

There are other strategies you can try too. For instance, you can imagine your audience naked or in the bathroom. This brings them down a notch or two. You can also visualize success instead of imagining the worst-case scenario. Another trick that many nervous speakers use (I’ll include myself here) is to set up a presentation in an interactive way so you don’t have to speak “in a vacuum.” I am comforted by knowing what people are thinking and feeling during my presentation. So you can pose a question for your audience or tell them in advance that you encourage them to raise their hands to interrupt you.

The last suggestion I’ll give here is that you practice. Like any other skill, the less you resist it and the more you do it, the more comfortable you will become. You will also admire yourself more for saying “boo” back to your fear, which I talk about in Enough Is Enough (Chapter 5)!

Finally, remember to hang out in Classroom Earth, not Courtroom Earth (Chapter 2), which means that you no longer act as the judge, jury, and executioner of yourself. Classroom Earth is where you get to learn, practice, and make mistakes in a supportive environment.

Now speak up!

Tags:coping strategies, dear jane, fear, fear of failure, Jane Straus, public speaking, success, worthiness
Posted in Blogs | No Comments »

Archive for December, 2006

Recent Posts