How Resentments Hinder Us from Letting Love In

March 4th, 2009

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We hold onto resentments in an attempt to protect ourselves from future hurt; however, these resentments impact our ability to let love in now. We tend to try to make up for our past “mistakes” by avoiding people who look or sound similar to our exes. Instead of opening up, we work hard at weeding out. For example, if you were hurt in a relationship with someone who was controlling in nature, you may think that the solution is to find a new person who is passive. If someone was a “taker,” you may try to home in on “givers.” Discernment, learning from experience, and having criteria are certainly part of the cure, but if we don’t address our past resentment and the underlying fear, we will find ourselves in Groundhog Day.*

Why? Because our spirits will not let us avoid whatever our lessons are. Have you ever said, “I thought s/he was so different from my ex, but s/he turned out to be just the same.” Of course! Our spirits wouldn’t have it any other way even if our minds would. We will attract the same issue in different disguises to give our spirits another opportunity to heal.

Therefore, instead of thinking of dating or love as a game of “dodge ball,” we can examine what our part was in the past that made us unhappy and resentful. Did you mute yourself instead of speaking up? Did you allow someone to undermine your confidence? Did you let yourself be manipulated?

Give yourself compassion and forgive yourself for anything you did that was damaging to your spirit. You now have the power to choose not only the type of person you wish to be with but also the type of person you wish to become.

*Reference is to the film with Bill Murray. In my book, Enough Is Enough!, I talk about the movie or what I call “enlightenment wrapped in the guise of a comedy.”

Ask Jane Column

I hope you enjoy this opportunity to have your questions and issues addressed by me personally. Feel free to write to me with your issue. And if you’d like to talk with me on my Ask Jane Radio Show, let me know. Jane@AskJaneNow.com

Dear Jane,

In the course of several days, my happy (I thought) relationship turned into my partner leaving me (after committing us to $20,000 in debt) the day before I went into the hospital for major surgery; I was left without her financial contribution to the household and her help while I was recuperating, not to mention that I was now saddled with the debts she incurred for us (PROMISING – even signing a promissory note- that it would be her debt) at a time when I was unable to work for three months. Then she kidnapped my daughter and waged an incredibly cruel public and internet campaign to discredit me.  To escape collections, she mobilized herself with the Navy to Afghanistan.  How’s that for betrayal?  She’s made “emotional amends” to an extent, but no financial. Yet.               –Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

First, realize that when someone does something venomous like publicly defaming you, they do it to try to numb a painful wound within themselves. The only way she believed that she could feel better was by making you feel worse. Cruelty gives a momentary surge of power to someone who feels weak inside. To stop suffering further from her actions and to heal your bitterness, you need to stop taking her actions personally.

If she has not paid you back financially, this is because she is trying to remain important to you in the only way she knows how. Think of her the way you would a child who is acting out for attention. If someone has low self-esteem, they often feel invisible. Your resentment lets her know that you’re still thinking about her. This feeds her need to be special. To stop feeding that, feel the regret underneath your resentment.

My guess is that you had some intuition about her potential behavior but chose to ignore it. That doesn’t mean that you deserved to be betrayed. It does mean that you need to forgive yourself for not listening to your inner voice. Focus on giving yourself compassion rather than wasting your emotional energy on resentment.

Finally, let this painful experience help you discover your own negative beliefs. We choose our relationships “perfectly” in the sense that we pull in the lessons we need for our healing. Take some time to ask yourself, “How did she fit with my beliefs about relationships? My value? How I expected to be treated?” You have an opportunity to question the authority of these old beliefs and to affirm new beliefs that support your self-worth. This work will help you create more trustworthy relationships. You deserve this!

The E-mail That Is Sparking a Movement

February 10th, 2009

After his underemployed friend wrote him a despairing e-mail (below), a new friend of mine, Jerry Biederman, started a letter-writing campaign. The campaign has taken on a life of its own, offering hope, comfort, and compassion, not only to Jerry’s Friend, but to countless others feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, and frightened in this economy. I talked with Jerry’s Friend on my Ask Jane radio show. You will be able to listen to our talk on my site, www.AskJaneNow.com soon.
We talked about something very important: that we be very mindful to not mistake what we do (or used to do) for who we are. We are more than our resume and more than our last paycheck. Our credit card debt, our mortgage, our shrinking bank accounts have nothing to do with who we are. Our inherent worthiness is not reflected by the economy unless we make this true. Don’t! Simply don’t participate in this pervasive thinking. It helps no one—not you, not your loved ones, not everyone around you who doesn’t know what to think. Don’t use the economy as a weapon against yourself. Put your shoulders back, hold your head high, ask for help, be generous to yourself and others, and remember to admire your own perseverance, regardless of circumstances.
After speaking together today, Jerry’s Friend has agreed to write another letter and post it, aware that he is obviously being called on for a higher purpose.

If, after reading the letter below, you feel like sharing words of hope or reading Jerry’s Friend’s next letter, visit www.EmailHope.com.
From Jerry Biederman:
I wanted to share an unexpected e-mail I received from a friend.
He’s the father of two adorable little kids.
He’s one of the best people I’ve ever known.
His e-mail had an impact on me. In fact, it has made me lose sleep.
I’d like to take this dark e-mail and see if it can spark some good.
Please tell everyone you know about this. Let’s show my anonymous friend how many people out there care by sending him an email of HOPE.

From Jerry’s Friend
Hey Jerry,

Thank you for checking in with me. To be honest with you, things have not been going so well. In fact, right now it’s worse than ever.

This morning I woke up in such despair that I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. It’s not the first time that I felt depressed about my current financial situation, but it’s the first time I felt desperate. I have always been the type of person who looks for the positive in everything. People always see me smiling, because I’ve always believed that life can improve at any moment. Today was different. My wife said two things to me that made me realize how bad it has become. First, she said, “Try to look happy in front of the kids.” Then, as she was leaving to take the girls to school, she said, “Don’t do anything stupid.” I never thought I was the type of person who would need to be told not to kill myself.

Before today, the economy has caused me to lose clients. Before today, the economy has caused me to lose health insurance. Before today, the economy has caused me to lose sleep. Today, the economy caused me to lose hope. When hope is lost, you are lost. You can live in the worst of conditions if you believe that one day things will get better. But without hope, all you think about is how there is no way out. I need to find hope again, but for the first time in my life, I can’t.

The worst part is the feeling of shame. I know I didn’t do anything wrong and don’t deserve to feel this way. I work hard. Through all the struggle, I haven’t given up. I’m a good citizen. I’m a good person, a good father, a good husband. But I can’t help from feeling ashamed that I cannot simply provide for my family anymore. All I can do is keep apologizing to my wife. She keeps telling me there is nothing to be sorry about, but I can’t shake the feeling that this is my fault. She reminds me that a few months ago all the employees at her work had their wages cut. That cost us more than two hundred dollars a month. I still feel like it is all on me, like I am letting the entire family down.

The few hours that I let myself sleep every night, so I can work again in the morning, are the worst. All I can do is lay there in bed thinking about money. When I finally fall asleep, I have nightmares. If something wakes me up, I will be up for good – worrying. I lay there in bed with my heart pounding out of control knowing that this is a nightmare I can’t wake from. When you are in this type of situation, the last place you want to be is alone with the thoughts you can’t escape.

I have become so fragile. How did I turn into this kind of man? Every time the phone rings, I have a minor panic attack. I look at the caller ID and it’s another 800 number. Could be the bank. Could be about my car payment. Could be a credit card company. I’m scared to drive, because we couldn’t afford to pay for new tags. I can’t hear the phone ring or look at my kids without feeling like a failure.

All we can do at this point is to try to keep the kids unaware of what is going on. They think we have been too busy to go to the market. My four-year-old keeps asking for milk and I tell her we still need to find time to go to the market. She has no idea that we are waiting for the next check to come in. I try to keep it fun for them. I joked with them yesterday that if they behave themselves we can go watch other kids eat ice cream. They laughed, but the sad part is that it’s true.

Every time one of the teachers at the elementary school has a birthday, my wife brings a cake and all the teachers and kids celebrate. This last time, I had to tell one of the teachers that we couldn’t afford to get the cake. How humiliating to have to admit that. She went to her purse and gave me some cash so my wife could still get the cake. Even though we told everyone that the teacher paid for it, taking that money felt like charity. I’m used to being the one who gives money to needy people. Being handed money like that hit me hard.

America is supposed to be a place where if you work hard you will move ahead. I work hard. I work during the day and through the night. My wife works hard too. We are good people. We help people. We treat everyone with respect. We are dedicated parents. Why is it that a good person who works hard has such a difficult time to make ends meet? Something is wrong. I don’t want charity. I want a chance!

I feel so alone, but I know I’m not. I read in the paper that when Circuit City closes, 35,000 people will be out of work. How do we even begin to imagine what 35,000 terrified people look like? It’s hard to take it all in even if we try. And that’s just the tip of this financial crisis iceberg.

Everyone I know is having trouble, even those who have always been well off. We can no longer depend on the people in our lives who were our safety nets in the past when times were tough. They too have holes in their pockets. I feel like I’m on a sinking ship and I am scared to death, but everywhere I look I just see more scared people looking back at me. These days, it doesn’t matter if you are traveling in first class or economy – if you are on the Titanic, you are scared and sinking like everyone else.

I wish I could die … but live to tell about it. My girls and my wife are my reason to live. I just wish we could have a mulligan – a do over.

A friend forwarded an email to me the other day. It had only one line: “Due to the economic crisis, we must turn off the light at the end of the tunnel.”

So what do I do now? When working hard is no longer working, what do you have left? When you’ve reached the end of your rope, what else is there? For the first time in my life I have run out of money and time.

I need to find hope, but right now it is nowhere.

Sorry for unloading all this on you. I guess I just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening. If you know of a miracle, a reason to have hope, I’m still here.

Don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid today. I won’t let go of the end of my rope. The problem is, whether I hold on or not, this financial crisis is shoving me off. No one understands this. The phone is ringing. Gotta go.
To read messages from others who are offering hope and to offer your own pearls of wisdom or inspiring story, go to www.EmailHope.com.
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Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!
– Charles Schultz
Another wonderful friend, Gary Fiset, sent me the following, by Charles Schultz, the Peanuts comic stripcreator. This is a powerful reminder for any of us, who, like Jerry’s Friend, have forgotten our true value.
You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through and you’ll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special!!
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.

White Collar/Blue Collar Matches—Can They Work?

January 18th, 2009

This was the topic for a radio show interview I was asked to participate in. My first thought was, “I’m not a sociologist. I don’t have the data or expertise to address this.” However, I soon realized that the important question underlying this one is the one we all share when it comes to relationship: What are the ingredients of a happy, long-lasting relationship?

As a relationship coach working with couples in every phase of relationship, from pre-marital counseling to ministering at weddings to working with childrearing issues to mediating separation, I have had a lot of opportunities to theorize about what makes certain couples “stick” while others drift apart. Interestingly, similar socioeconomic status has not, at least not directly, been on my radar as a criterion for a thriving relationship.

With just a few days to prepare for the radio roundtable discussion on And The Women Gather, I came up with a list that we can call:

Top 6 Compatibility Factors for a Thriving Relationship

• Trust
• Communication skills
• Respect
• Compassion
• Shared values
• Common interests

I didn’t number these factors because the hierarchy changes at different times in a relationship, which is probably why some relationships survive and others dissolve. At the start of a relationship, common interests might top the list. (Actually, sexual attraction probably supersedes everything at first blush. However, sexual attraction changes, ebbs and flows, and is often dependent on the other factors, at least for women.) After a few years into a relationship, communication skills and trust may outrank some of the other factors. If a couple has children, the criterion of shared values often bounces to the top of the list.

So how do you pick a partner who is likely to be a good match? There’s something to chemistry, of course—that invisible but potent gravitational pull into a stranger’s orbit. But after a few months of swooning, our minds begin to catch up. This is when it’s time to ask ourselves three important questions: 1. What are our priorities at this time in our life?, 2. Which compatibility factors can we offer a partner?, and the one we tend to forget to consider, 3. Which factors might matter to me five or ten years from now?

If I hear about a couple where one partner likes the symphony and the other buys ringside seats for Friday night wrestling, I can’t predict how happy that couple has been, is, or will be. If I hear that one believes strongly in cultivating a “green” lifestyle and the other drives a Hummer, I don’t know that there is trouble on their horizon. It depends on which compatibility factors are most important to these two people individually and as a couple at this particular time in their lives. If they come in for counseling, I won’t assume that the Hummer/Prius argument is the bottomline issue. Why not? Because maybe an unspoken or unconscious difference in another compatibility factor is what they are really at odds over.

I don’t think I came across with the kind of certainty the host of the radio show hoped for with my “it depends on other compatibility factors” suggestion. Maybe a sociologist has actual data, rather than my anecdotal experience, that would tell us if class distinction is really a make it or break it issue for couples. In the meantime, I will keep offering this list to couples in the hopes that they can address what really matters to them.

If you have some ideas about what makes relationships thrive or your own set of criteria, let me know. And if you have a relationship question or problem, please contact me at Jane@AskJaneNow.com. In your e-mail, let me know if you’d like to work with me on my new Ask Jane radio show. I look forward to hearing from you.

Debt Denial

January 13th, 2009

In my practice, I’m noticing an increase in a malady caused by fear. It is manifesting in particular ways that I’d like to alert you to…just in case you’re experiencing any of the symptoms of this malady and you haven’t yet noticed. The malady is Debt Denial.

Symptoms of Debt Denial

If you have even one symptom of debt denial, please don’t ignore it. As with most dis-eases, it is much easier to recover when it’s caught earlier rather than later. However, if this dis-ease has already progressed, it’s never too late to stop it from getting worse. So be honest as you read these symptoms:

1. Your budget is tighter than your jeans after the holidays: You gave yourself permission to spend during December but now are at the store looking at toilet paper prices.
2. You’re hiding credit card bills from your significant other: You know you’re avoiding an inevitable fight/showdown but you can’t convince yourself to face the battle yet.
3. You’re not opening up your bills: They’re stacked in a corner and the pile is growing daily.
4. You can’t stop overspending: You’re trying to maintain your state of debt denial for as long as possible, convincing yourself with those “incredible” post-holiday bargains.
5. You’re lying to yourself about what you have spent and are spending: You’re reassuring yourself by calling your purchases needs as in, “I needed a cashmere sweater anyway.”
6. You feel ashamed, resentful, or hopeless about your debt level: You are overwhelmed and feel powerless so you’re either in paralysis or ignoring how you’re feeling—or blaming someone/something.

If any of the symptoms of Debt Denial are ruining your day, year, or relationships, take heart; I have at least 5 steps you can—and deserve to—take right now:

Five Steps to Healing Debt Denial

1. Look at the bigger picture. When did you really start to lose control? How? Be honest. It’s one thing if you had a huge, unexpected medical expense; it’s another if you bought a car you couldn’t really afford. Most of us don’t suddenly find ourselves in debt; it is something we create over a period of time. You can begin to fix the problem if you know the timeline of events; otherwise, you’re likely to create a “quick fix” that will backfire.
2. Ask for help. The worst thing to do is to keep avoiding the problem, juggling credit cards, or lying. It’s no accident that the first step in AA is to admit that you need help. Without that admission, you’re still in danger of continuing your denial. Tell the truth to a friend, your partner, your therapist, a financial advisor. The saying, “We are only as sick as our secrets” is a call to shine the light in the attic of our self-deceits.
3. Get over the twisted “I deserve what I want” logic. If you really believe you are deserving, then you know that you deserve to be less stressed about money. You’ll do what it takes to make your life more comfortable, including doing without unnecessary stuff and services.
4. Stop striving for happiness, particularly through stuff; instead, strive for meaning. Happiness will make more than an occasional appearance when your life is rich in meaning.
5. Remember that life is like a cup of coffee. If you’re at a restaurant and the waiter comes by with two cups of coffee—one in a beautiful cup, one in a plain cup—which cup would you take? There’s no wrong answer but remember, by concentrating only on the cup, we may forget that it’s the same coffee inside. You are the coffee in life. Your value, your “net worth,” comes from how you brew yourself, not from your portfolio. So stop saying that you’ve lost X% of your net worth. Remember that abundance is “that which already exists within you.” You have the potential to have an abundance of love, compassion, wisdom, joy, humor, dedication, perseverance, intellect, and happiness. To be a person of genuine worth, we only need to heed this bumper sticker:  “Become the person your dog thinks you are.”

Making Changes That Will Stick

January 5th, 2009

(You will find my English usage tips at www.Grammarbook.com)
Since it’s the new year, I thought I’d address the desire most of us share to get a fresh start. This year in particular, with a new administration that has promised change, I think we’re all looking forward to letting go and moving on. Sometimes, however, we try to move on before we’ve actually let go. The result is that we often trade our “old baggage” for “new baggage.” For example, if you’ve made a resolution to lose weight and you’re eating less but you’re doing it by starving yourself, then you have simply traded shame for deprivation. If you’ve vowed to get out of debt but you’re angry with yourself for getting in too deep financially, then you’re simply trading the old baggage of anxiety for the new baggage of beating yourself up.
Real, lasting change comes from loving ourselves more. So whatever resolutions you make, make them lovingly by exploring the most compassionate ways to make the changes you so strongly desire. If you wish to lose weight, ask yourself what will work best for you. Is it joining a gym or do you prefer walking outdoors? Will diet frozen meals feel self-loving or do you enjoy working in the kitchen? Are you the type of person who thrives with group support or does listening to others irritate you? Focus on self-compassion and success will become less about struggle and endurance and more about perseverance and happiness.
If you’ve vowed to lower your debt, then recognize that “I deserve” doesn’t mean “I deserve stuff.” Your worthiness has nothing to do with what you have; it has everything to do with how you cultivate and share your tender heart and unique spirit. If you really want to get that you are deserving, then remember that you deserve less anxiety. So pay down your debt, not because you resent yourself for “failing,” but because you deserve to thrive.

New Orleans Revisited

December 30th, 2008

My husband and I were invited, rather spontaneously, to be the guests of honor at a Christmas dinner for the teachers of the preschool/elementary school that we (you who donated plus my family) “adopted” in New Orleans last year. How could we say no?

A week later, we hopped on a plane and arrived to enjoy the 77 degree weather and the famous (and not overrated) hospitality of the people of New Orleans. But when we parked our car in front of the school, we hesitated getting out. The “neighborhood,” a euphemism for what we saw, reflected poverty and danger beyond anything I’d seen previously—and I grew up in an urban environment. The school itself was surrounded by barbed wire with a uniformed guard securing the front door. He took our licenses and signatures, reminding me of the procedures I had to go through when I had worked at a maximum security prison.

However, once inside, we were swept up in a surprisingly different energy. I was greeted with a hug by Kim, the vice principal who had become my pen pal and liaison. She was exactly as I had imagined—stately and dignified, yet warm. It was recess so Kim took us out to the school yard. The kids, dressed in crisp, clean uniforms, were rambunctious as they played ball and jumped on the new playground equipment. Kim confided, “This is the only place where they get to be kids. Some of these kids are living with strangers or distant relatives. They may not even know where their parents are since Katrina. School is their safety zone.” At that moment, a fight broke out among three boys. Kim excused herself and walked up to the boys. She touched them on their shoulders and bent down to their height. Calmly but authoritatively, she asked each boy to tell her his side of the story. Then she reminded them that they could not resort to hitting and had to come up with another strategy to resolve their conflict. She waited for them to confer and collaborate, which took surprisingly little time.

We were so impressed with the respectful, thoughtful manner Kim used with the children and found this to continue to be our experience as we sat in on several classes. In each classroom, all the children were happily engaged and the teachers involved. Kim was happy to be able to boast that the school’s test scores have doubled since last year. What makes this so remarkable is that the conditions under which these teachers are working are so stressful that it is sheer tenacity and open heartedness that account for this school’s success in the face of such great odds. Many teachers are themselves still living in temporary shelters, still suffering emotionally, financially, and physically from Katrina’s aftermath. They, along with the children, are still grieving the loss of family members who died, homes that were swept away, and lives that will never be the same. But these teachers show up every day with smiles on their faces and total dedication to these children.

For example, funds haven’t stretched far enough to provide diapers for the youngest preschoolers, so the teachers buy them out of their own small salaries. When I hear about the national “Teacher of the Year” award, I wish that each and every one of the teachers we met at James Weldon Johnson School would be recognized for their daily heroism.

After our school visit, we met up with Janet, my friend who owns the Mon Coeur jewelry store on Magazine Street, and Richard, my tour guide from the previous year who had befriended me. We talked about what has changed for New Orleans and for them personally in the past year. It seems that the initial shock has subsided along with some of the depression as the city continues to recover visually. However, there is a sense of tentativeness that is accompanied by the reality that they will continue to feel the economic hardship that the entire country now faces. In addition, they can’t forget that they are just one Category 5 storm away from disaster. This awareness infuses their everyday life in a way that is hard for outsiders to understand.

On our last night in town, Janet set up a dinner for all those I had counseled the year before. There was more laughter this year, which was wonderful to hear, and a lot of gratitude expressed for my having come the year before. But I noted every individual’s awareness that life is tentative. Maybe this lesson is a good one for all of us to contemplate, I thought, especially during this time of sweeping changes globally and within our own country.

My husband and I left New Orleans inspired by the tenacity, honesty, humility, and quirkiness of its inhabitants. We also felt a renewed commitment to bolster the efforts of the school’s administrators and teachers, who walk in every day determined to change the destinies of over 300 children. To this end, I will get a new wish list and let you know what you can do to help. By the way, Kim wanted to make sure that each of you knew how much your generosity has meant to these kids. After seeing what is being done in this school with my own eyes, I can tell you that your support hasn’t just make a difference; it has changed lives. A year ago, these children had no tables or chairs in the cafeteria, no microphone for the makeshift stage, no cabinet to hold their basketball trophy, no overhead projector, and no microwave, forcing them to eat still-frozen food. All that has changed in just one short year.

My take away from New Orleans is a reminder that no matter how tenuous circumstances may be, each of us can have a dramatic impact on others in ways we cannot predict or even fully imagine. But we can and do make a difference.

Listen to Jane’s new relationship talk show, Ask Jane, on Green 960 AM, Saturdays, 4:00 – 5:00 pm PST, or to the archived shows on this site. To be a guest on Jane’s show, e-mail Jane at Jane@Askjanenow.com with your relationship question or concern.

Struggling to “Be Here Now”?

October 23rd, 2008

Click here to read my English usage blogs.

Many of you know Ram Dass’s famous book, Be Here Now, the 1971 precursor to Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. From the titles of these books, you get the idea that there is something to be gained from focusing on the present rather than being run by our painful past or anxiously awaiting the unknowable future. Easier said than done, perhaps.

We have all seen (or have) the bumper stickers that say, “I’d rather be ____.” And who doesn’t say wistfully, “I wish,” ending the sentence with fantasies of Friday/the weekend/vacation/a new job/a new relationship/more wealth. There’s nothing wrong with wishing and hoping and fantasizing. It’s a testament to our optimism and unique ability as humans to imagine the future. However, this same ability sometimes works against us.

One of my clients told me that he and his wife are going through a tough time. He’s afraid they may not make it. After a brief pause, he added, “Jane, I want to be hopeful. So I’m just going to put my anger and hurt aside.”

If it’s possible for this man to truly let go of his anger and hurt with the snap of his fingers, then more power to him. But if his hope depends on ignoring his painful feelings, that hope is bound to be short lived. Anger and disappointment, ignored and pushed aside, tend to recirculate. As much as we try, denying “what is” doesn’t make “what isn’t” more attainable.

Like this husband in pain, I often wish I were “there,” or at least anywhere-but-here, now. But we can only change that which we acknowledge exists. If we can practice sitting with our feelings as they are—all of them, not just the comfortable or happy ones—if we can stay present with the present, we notice that our feelings evolve.

Anger dissolves into hurt, sometimes tinged with regret. Hurt and regret give way to sadness and mourning. If we don’t run from this grief, it eventually leads to a unique combination of acceptance, forgiveness, understanding, and compassion. From this fertile soil, wisdom sprouts, flowering into grace. Grace releases us from the grip of suffering. We begin to notice that we feel free where we formerly felt constrained and tight. This process may happen slowly or quickly, but with patience, compassion for our struggle, and perseverance, it will happen. Isn’t this worth being here now for?

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For over 20 years, Jane Straus has coached individuals and groups, facilitated organizational retreats, conducted training programs, and presented keynotes for corporations and nonprofits nationwide.
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Decisions, Decisions!

October 5th, 2008

Click here to read my English Usage blogs.

Should I take this job or that one? This one offers security but is boring and has little room for advancement; that one offers a chance to grow but carries economic risks.
Should I get this car or that one? This car gets better gas mileage; that one is more fun to drive but has fewer seats.
Should I buy a home or rent? Housing prices may still drop so maybe it’s better to keep renting; but if I buy now, will the tax break offset the higher price?
Should I try to get pregnant now or wait? My relationship with my husband is wobbly so maybe we should wait; but my clock is ticking, and what if I can’t conceive later?

Decisions, decisions! We face choices—big and small—constantly. Even the decision between two good things, such as a vacation in the sun or one on the ski slopes, can cause us anxiety. How do we decide how to decide?

Most of us poll our family or friends. After all, they know us and will probably have some good pros and cons to offer us. But have you ever listened to their valuable advice, nodding your head in agreement, then walked away feeling just as confused or undecided as before? Why is it that some decisions are so hard to make?

Indecisiveness is sometimes a clue that we’re not considering the right criteria. For example, if you’re choosing a car, instead of starting with the sticker price or the fuel economy, you might want to ask yourself what it is you want to experience. Are you looking for fun? Is status important? Do you want to reduce your carbon footprint? Do you want to drive on all the school field trips? Do you want the safest car, short of a military tank, because you have a teenager about to get her driver’s license? By asking what you want to experience, you give the message to yourself that you are worthy.
When you remind yourself that you are worthy of choosing according to your own intrinsic criteria, clarity is sometimes instantaneous. You may say to yourself, “Of course, this is what I wanted all along. Why did I make it so hard for myself?” Maybe all you had to do was clear out the other “voices in your head”—the ones that said “I shouldn’t want this.” “This is too nice for me.” “Others will judge me for wanting this.” “I don’t deserve this.”

However, even using your own criteria for deciding, you may still feel confused. Why? Because your mind and spirit may be arguing so effectively that you can’t tell who’s who. If you want to know what your spirit wants, here’s a quick exercise: Close your eyes and imagine a traffic light. Then think about one of your alternative choices. Quickly, what color do you see: green or red? Now think about the other choice. Quickly again, what color do you see? Green is your spirit’s choice. (Yes, it’s possible that your spirit will see green with more than one alternative because it may be fine with more than one choice.)

What if your spirit didn’t see green with any of your choices? Then maybe it’s time to look into more options. We can get caught up in either/or thinking: I can pick this car or that one, this job or that one. Maybe there are more alternatives that you haven’t even considered that would result in a green light. Don’t limit yourself prematurely, especially with self-talk like, “I would never…” I worked with a single woman in her mid-thirties who said, “I would never have children without a mate.” She also told me, “I would never marry a man who already has children.” Well, by the time she was forty and still single, she was questioning her strong stances. By forty-two, she had adopted two children and couldn’t imagine her life any other way. At forty-three, she met a man through her single-parent support group and guess what? She’s now married raising four children. When I last saw her, she laughed as she told me, “Jane, at 35 I thought I had to play it smart. I know now that all I had to do was listen to what I really wanted and things would work out.”

Things do tend to work out when we promise ourselves that we won’t regret our decisions as long as we honor our criteria, come from worthiness, and listen to our spirit.

Announcements

Click here to read more about Jane’s popular self-help book, Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life, #15 on Amazon’s bestseller list in the spirituality category.

Dear Jane Podcasts
Listen to and Download Dear Jane Podcasts
I’ve got 32 podcasts available for listening so enjoy!
________________________________________
Jane’s Coaching and Training
For over 20 years, Jane Straus has coached individuals and groups, facilitated organizational retreats, conducted training programs, and presented keynotes for corporations and nonprofits nationwide.
To get exceptional results from coaching and training, you need someone who knows how to assess blind spots as well as enhance strengths. Jane’s coaching helps individuals and groups maximize their potential and improve their productivity and work relationships. Jane works to ensure that each client receives the wisdom, skills, and support he/she needs to succeed and often co-facilitates with industry-specific leaders who have chosen to mentor the next generation.
Contact Jane directly at Jane@janestraus.com to discuss your coaching or training needs or visit JaneStraus.com for more information and testimonials.

Click here to read Jane’s article in USA Today on the lessons we can glean from celebrity breakups.
________________________________________
The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation 10th Edition
Amazon’s #1 Bestseller in Four Categories!
#1 in Reading
#1 in Lesson Planning
#1 in Vocabulary
#1 in Grammar

An indispensable tool for busy professionals, teachers, students, home-school families, editors, writers, & proofreaders. Click here to see the contents of the book online. Plus 161 Subscription Quizzes that can be done online with instant answers or downloaded and copied to your heart’s content! Only $29.95/year. Discounts available for schools, bookstores, and multiple copies. Click to order

Three Keys to Creating an Extraordinary Relationship

September 9th, 2008

Click here to read my English Usage blogs.

While love can make us soar to new and giddy heights, it can also bring us to our knees. Love can be difficult, daunting, and more often than we wish, devastatingly painful. Ram Dass, one of my favorite Buddhist teachers who speaks truths with both lightheartedness and great compassion, has said that relationship is the hardest yoga of all. So maybe we shouldn’t think any more highly of a monk meditating on a mountaintop than we do of ourselves for having the courage to struggle with loving another human being.

Most of us have secretly believed, at one time or another (or frequently), that if we just changed partners, it would be SO much easier. And we may be right. The problem is that our hearts don’t always know if letting go is the answer or is simply an avoidance strategy. What if we pick the same person/problems in a new disguise? What if our partner is right and we’re the problem?

When couples come to counseling, they want to know what I think: Are they better off apart? Is the relationship worth salvaging? Will it get better? How much better? Will it ever be good enough? Relatively pain free? Do they even dare hope for happiness? When will they know when they’re “there”?

Even with 27 years of experience as a relationship coach, I am terrible at predicting the future of relationships. I worked with one couple who I would have bet wouldn’t last another six weeks past our first session. Ten years later, they still write me holiday cards with photos of them with their growing brood, their smiles real and joyful. They always write something that gives me way too much credit for their happiness. I laugh, mostly at myself and how wrong I secretly was about their chances.

Another couple, who seemed to have only minor issues, left their third (and final) session grateful, holding hands, reassuring each other of their mutual respect and love. The next I heard, only a few months later, one of them was living with a new partner. Like many of their friends, I murmured to myself, They seemed so good together.

USA Today, in an interview I did for them, gave me the title of relationship expert. I chuckle at that. Is there really such a thing? What are the qualifications for such an exalted title? Should expert status be conferred by statistics? Is it how many couples I have worked with who have stayed together? Or maybe how many couples I have helped split amicably, avoiding costly attorneys’ fees? Or should someone be dubbed a relationship expert who is a good predictor of a couple’s chances?

We have such high expectations of relationship: We want to feel loved, safe, heard, respected, supported, beautiful/handsome/sexy, and…we are inevitably disappointed when our partner isn’t a deep enough reservoir. Should we give up and move on? Can we do better? Will learning tools or increasing our self-awareness really help?

If there are tricks or theories or strategies or paradigms or sociological studies, how do you know which one(s) to pick or whom to trust? A numerologist will give you one set of parameters for finding and keeping your “perfect” partner; an astrologist, another paradigm; a psychologist, a third set of compatibility factors. A Buddhist guide might help you see relationship through the lens of karma. The psychic has spirit guides, tea leaves, or your palm at his/her disposal. Most of us take the smorgasbord approach: We try a little of this, a little of that, hoping to cobble together our own paradigm for success in relationship.

So, as USA Today’s relationship expert and, more truthfully, humble observer of hundreds of couples, let me add another morsel to your plate with my three keys to creating an extraordinary relationship. I believe that these are the “must have” tools that will help you find your way back to trust, intimacy, and friendship.

Jane’s Three Keys to Creating an Extraordinary Relationship

1. Ask open-ended questions. When people tell me what makes them feel most loved, they’ll mention roses, sex, cards, candlelight dinners, long walks, back rubs—all the usual stuff. They never mention being listened to. But I’ve found that it’s the act of love that is most appreciated, melts even the most cynical heart, and is a more potent aphrodisiac than chocolate or flowers.

2. Provide a safe haven. You know that Allstate insurance commercial with the two hands cupped together, palms up? When the chips are down for your partner, be that. Don’t judge or give advice; just gently hold their precious spirit in your hands. This is as close to unconditional love as one adult can ever offer another.

3. Offer truth, not just mere honesty. You may be honest if you tell your partner, “You were an inconsiderate boor” or “You’re an idiot.” Honesty can be hurtful to a relationship because it can contain judgments and assumptions. The difference between honesty and truth is that truth is nonjudgmental. I can say in truth, “I am really angry that you talked about my weight loss struggles in front of our friends. It felt humiliating.” When I teach couples this distinction, they sometimes argue that the truth sounds so much scarier because of the vulnerability required. I say, “Exactly! How do you expect to have intimacy without vulnerability?” It’s a choice—a courageous one. Truth is a form of love. When we are willing to tell the truth and hear it, we let our partner know that we are risking everything for the sake of the highest good of the relationship.

In my book, Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life, I offer many more tools that will minimize your pain and maximize the intimacy and joy in your relationship. But these three may be enough to get you out of your relationship rut and back to remembering why you were attracted to each other in the first place. Here’s to your courage, your vulnerability, and your compassionate intention!

Announcements

Click here to read more about Jane’s popular self-help book, Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life, #15 on Amazon’s bestseller list in the spirituality category.

Dear Jane Podcasts
NEW! Listen to and Download Dear Jane Podcasts
I’ve got 32 podcasts available for listening so enjoy!
________________________________________
Jane’s Coaching and Training
For over 20 years, Jane Straus has coached individuals and groups, facilitated organizational retreats, conducted training programs, and presented keynotes for corporations and nonprofits nationwide.
To get exceptional results from coaching and training, you need someone who knows how to assess blind spots as well as enhance strengths. Jane’s coaching helps individuals and groups maximize their potential and improve their productivity and work relationships. Jane works to ensure that each client receives the wisdom, skills, and support he/she needs to succeed and often co-facilitates with industry-specific leaders who have chosen to mentor the next generation.
Contact Jane directly at Jane@janestraus.com to discuss your coaching or training needs or visit JaneStraus.com for more information and testimonials.

Click here to read Jane’s article in USA Today on the lessons we can glean from celebrity breakups.
________________________________________
The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation 10th Edition
Amazon’s #1 Bestseller in Four Categories!
#1 in Reading
#1 in Lesson Planning
#1 in Vocabulary
#1 in Grammar

An indispensable tool for busy professionals, teachers, students, home-school families, editors, writers, & proofreaders. Click here to see the contents of the book online. Plus 161 Subscription Quizzes that can be done online with instant answers or downloaded and copied to your heart’s content! Only $29.95/year. Discounts available for schools, bookstores, and multiple copies. Click to order

Generation E: Help Your Children Stop Enduring Now!

August 28th, 2008

Click here to read my English usage blogs.

We pour our hopes and dreams into our children from the moment they are born. We want them to fare better in life and grow up more secure and presumably happier than . . . than what? Than we are. But despite our best intentions, today’s children are fast becoming a generation of endurers raised by a generation of endurers. And everyone pays a steep price. Parents run the risk of passing their ever-striving-never-stopping tendencies on to the next generation. Call them Generation E—a whole generation of kids for whom enduring seems, if not natural, at least normal.

For many parents afraid for their children’s future, childhood has become a race to the finish line, the brass ring being college and a good career. Isn’t it ironic that, in pursuit of our children’s “success,” we sacrifice ourselves and them by driving them so hard? If the road we’re on together is plagued with stress, resentment, and fatigue, then perhaps it is a vicious circle and not a road at all.

As parents who truly have our children’s best interests at heart, we need to take a different approach. We can help our children stop enduring by practicing a new mantra: Enough is enough!

•Don’t over schedule. Offering children the very best doesn’t mean keeping them busy every moment, even with what we believe are enriching pastimes and enterprises. Nowadays, 12-year-old children are using the term ‘burnout,’ and the sad part is, they mean it! Cut back on the extracurricular activities. Let your child’s moods, energy level, learning style, personality, and interests dictate how many activities they pursue. Then put your own energy level and needs into the equation.

•It’s okay, even good, if kids get bored. Boredom is beneficial, if not imperative, to the growth, creativity, and confidence of children. When children have moments to dream up new ways to entertain themselves and each other, their imaginations are developed in ways a controlled learning environment can’t compete with.

•Teach your kids the difference between endurance and perseverance. True perseverance involves the spirit. When we persevere toward a goal, we are listening to that still small voice within. We are inspired, not drained; empowered, not victimized. When we are enduring, however, we hear only our fears. Our spirit is drowned out by this fear-driven voice that warns us to remain hyper vigilant, ultimately leading us to exhaustion—victims of our To Do lists, the demands of our jobs, and our failing mental and physical health. We exude fear and dread, not enthusiasm. Stuck in a rut, lost in fear, how can we expect to be able to help our kids discover their path?

Begin to discern this important distinction for yourself and you will be able to help your children persevere rather than endure. Children mimic what they see parents doing. So the most important way to stop their endurance in its tracks is to get out of the endurance cycle yourself. Do you feel you never have time to stop? Do you resent never having the time to do things your spirit longs for? Do you look forward to an imagined future time when you will feel happier/ more energetic/debt free? Do you feel resigned and unappreciated as a parent, in spite of all you do? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are enduring. Something needs to change—the sooner, the better.

•If you are enduring . . . It’s time to stop now. The primary source of endurance is fear. Are you worried about your children’s future so much that you can’t imagine taking a risk in your job or career, even for your own well being? Are you convinced that your child will not get into a good college if you don’t continue to sacrifice both your energy and your financial resources? Try not to let fear rule your life or theirs. Take a risk to live a more inspired life yourself so that this, and not powerlessness, is your legacy to your children. Live a life that is admirable by your own standards and your children will both notice your courage and want to emulate it.

•When they disappoint you, give time ins, not time outs. Next time your child doesn’t meet your expectations or misbehaves, don’t ground them or call a time out; provide a time in. Let them talk to you and you will learn more than you would have by closing the door on your communication. If we want our children to be honest with us, we have to make it safe for them to share with us. If we want them to take responsibility for their actions and their lives, what better way than to ask them to reflect on their behaviors and decide what appropriate steps they need to take next?

•Remember what is most important. Some of our worries about success and failure reflect our own need to prove ourselves worthy in our own and others’ eyes. But we want our children to know that they are inherently worthy, not for what they do, but for who they are. Remind them that they are so much more than the sum total of their successes and failures. And if you need to, remind yourself similarly.

Let your motivation to help your children come from your own spirit’s journey. Let yourself be a gauge of what feels inspiring and enriching. Ignore the fear-based need to charge ahead to the point of exhaustion. By learning to say Enough is enough!, together parents and children may just find life filled with more love, joy, and peace. We owe it to our children and to ourselves to shift our focus from fear for their success to just letting them blossom into the extraordinary beings their spirits already yearn for them to become.

Announcements

Click here to read more about Jane’s popular self-help book, Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life, #15 on Amazon’s bestseller list in the spirituality category.

Dear Jane Podcasts
NEW! Listen to and Download Dear Jane Podcasts
I’ve got 32 podcasts available for listening so enjoy!
________________________________________
Jane’s Coaching and Training
For over 20 years, Jane Straus has coached individuals and groups, facilitated organizational retreats, conducted training programs, and presented keynotes for corporations and nonprofits nationwide.
To get exceptional results from coaching and training, you need someone who knows how to assess blind spots as well as enhance strengths. Jane’s coaching helps individuals and groups maximize their potential and improve their productivity and work relationships. Jane works to ensure that each client receives the wisdom, skills, and support he/she needs to succeed and often co-facilitates with industry-specific leaders who have chosen to mentor the next generation.
Contact Jane directly at Jane@janestraus.com to discuss your coaching or training needs or visit JaneStraus.com for more information and testimonials.

Click here to read Jane’s article in USA Today on the lessons we can glean from celebrity breakups.
________________________________________
The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation 10th Edition
Amazon’s #1 Bestseller in Four Categories!
#1 in Reading
#1 in Lesson Planning
#1 in Vocabulary
#1 in Grammar

An indispensable tool for busy professionals, teachers, students, home-school families, editors, writers, & proofreaders. Click here to see the contents of the book online. Plus 161 Subscription Quizzes that can be done online with instant answers or downloaded and copied to your heart’s content! Only $29.95/year. Discounts available for schools, bookstores, and multiple copies. Click to order