Posts Tagged ‘debt’

Debt Denial

Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

In my practice, I’m noticing an increase in a malady caused by fear. It is manifesting in particular ways that I’d like to alert you to…just in case you’re experiencing any of the symptoms of this malady and you haven’t yet noticed. The malady is Debt Denial.

Symptoms of Debt Denial

If you have even one symptom of debt denial, please don’t ignore it. As with most dis-eases, it is much easier to recover when it’s caught earlier rather than later. However, if this dis-ease has already progressed, it’s never too late to stop it from getting worse. So be honest as you read these symptoms:

1. Your budget is tighter than your jeans after the holidays: You gave yourself permission to spend during December but now are at the store looking at toilet paper prices.
2. You’re hiding credit card bills from your significant other: You know you’re avoiding an inevitable fight/showdown but you can’t convince yourself to face the battle yet.
3. You’re not opening up your bills: They’re stacked in a corner and the pile is growing daily.
4. You can’t stop overspending: You’re trying to maintain your state of debt denial for as long as possible, convincing yourself with those “incredible” post-holiday bargains.
5. You’re lying to yourself about what you have spent and are spending: You’re reassuring yourself by calling your purchases needs as in, “I needed a cashmere sweater anyway.”
6. You feel ashamed, resentful, or hopeless about your debt level: You are overwhelmed and feel powerless so you’re either in paralysis or ignoring how you’re feeling—or blaming someone/something.

If any of the symptoms of Debt Denial are ruining your day, year, or relationships, take heart; I have at least 5 steps you can—and deserve to—take right now:

Five Steps to Healing Debt Denial

1. Look at the bigger picture. When did you really start to lose control? How? Be honest. It’s one thing if you had a huge, unexpected medical expense; it’s another if you bought a car you couldn’t really afford. Most of us don’t suddenly find ourselves in debt; it is something we create over a period of time. You can begin to fix the problem if you know the timeline of events; otherwise, you’re likely to create a “quick fix” that will backfire.
2. Ask for help. The worst thing to do is to keep avoiding the problem, juggling credit cards, or lying. It’s no accident that the first step in AA is to admit that you need help. Without that admission, you’re still in danger of continuing your denial. Tell the truth to a friend, your partner, your therapist, a financial advisor. The saying, “We are only as sick as our secrets” is a call to shine the light in the attic of our self-deceits.
3. Get over the twisted “I deserve what I want” logic. If you really believe you are deserving, then you know that you deserve to be less stressed about money. You’ll do what it takes to make your life more comfortable, including doing without unnecessary stuff and services.
4. Stop striving for happiness, particularly through stuff; instead, strive for meaning. Happiness will make more than an occasional appearance when your life is rich in meaning.
5. Remember that life is like a cup of coffee. If you’re at a restaurant and the waiter comes by with two cups of coffee—one in a beautiful cup, one in a plain cup—which cup would you take? There’s no wrong answer but remember, by concentrating only on the cup, we may forget that it’s the same coffee inside. You are the coffee in life. Your value, your “net worth,” comes from how you brew yourself, not from your portfolio. So stop saying that you’ve lost X% of your net worth. Remember that abundance is “that which already exists within you.” You have the potential to have an abundance of love, compassion, wisdom, joy, humor, dedication, perseverance, intellect, and happiness. To be a person of genuine worth, we only need to heed this bumper sticker:  “Become the person your dog thinks you are.”

Making Changes That Will Stick

Monday, January 5th, 2009

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Since it’s the new year, I thought I’d address the desire most of us share to get a fresh start. This year in particular, with a new administration that has promised change, I think we’re all looking forward to letting go and moving on. Sometimes, however, we try to move on before we’ve actually let go. The result is that we often trade our “old baggage” for “new baggage.” For example, if you’ve made a resolution to lose weight and you’re eating less but you’re doing it by starving yourself, then you have simply traded shame for deprivation. If you’ve vowed to get out of debt but you’re angry with yourself for getting in too deep financially, then you’re simply trading the old baggage of anxiety for the new baggage of beating yourself up.
Real, lasting change comes from loving ourselves more. So whatever resolutions you make, make them lovingly by exploring the most compassionate ways to make the changes you so strongly desire. If you wish to lose weight, ask yourself what will work best for you. Is it joining a gym or do you prefer walking outdoors? Will diet frozen meals feel self-loving or do you enjoy working in the kitchen? Are you the type of person who thrives with group support or does listening to others irritate you? Focus on self-compassion and success will become less about struggle and endurance and more about perseverance and happiness.
If you’ve vowed to lower your debt, then recognize that “I deserve” doesn’t mean “I deserve stuff.” Your worthiness has nothing to do with what you have; it has everything to do with how you cultivate and share your tender heart and unique spirit. If you really want to get that you are deserving, then remember that you deserve less anxiety. So pay down your debt, not because you resent yourself for “failing,” but because you deserve to thrive.