Jane Straus « Dear Jane Podcasts

Posts Tagged ‘Jane Straus’

Feeling Ignored?

Saturday, November 10th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
I get lost in a crowd, like I’m invisible. I pretend not to care and I know I make things worse by dressing in drab clothes. But I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. What can I do short of screaming, “Here I am! Pay attention to me!”

Being ignored—not feeling special or valued—is one of the most hurtful experiences to endure. Unless we’re so Britney Spears-like famous that we lose all privacy, I think all of us have felt invisible and ignored.

Given that the way you dress reinforces your pain, it’s likely that you have an old belief that you are unimportant. As I point out in my book, Enough Is Enough, our most consistently painful thoughts come from childhood. So here are some ways to change this thought so your suffering abates now.

Step 1: Recall a specific incident where, as a child, you had the thought that you were unimportant. Maybe some kids excluded you at lunch or when picking sides for team sports. Maybe a teacher didn’t notice your skills. Perhaps you grew up in a crowded home with a lot of siblings demanding the limited attention of your parent(s). Maybe you had a sibling who was the smart one or the pretty one or the athletic one—the one who got noticed.

Step 2: Give your inner child reassurance that being ignored had nothing to do with him and that he matters even now to you.

Step 3: There’s a saying: It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. Start treating yourself the way you wish you had been treated. That means paying attention to your wants and needs, your likes and dislikes, and doing what makes you happy. Make your first question in the morning be, “What would make me happy today?” Maybe it’s buying new, brighter clothes that attract attention. Maybe it involves participating more in your community. Maybe it is asking for a promotion or joining a club. Whatever it is, commit to following through so that your inner child isn’t subjected to more of that invisibility. The gift of being truthful about your pain is that you can now do something for yourself to alleviate it. You deserve to feel special and to know that you matter.

This blog and my accompanying podcast, which you can download from my Web site, StopEnduring.com or from iTunes, were inspired by a poem dedicated to me by Hemdan in Egypt, who wrote The Greatest Pain in Life in Arabic and translated it into English.

The Greatest Pain in Life
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The greatest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored

???? ??? ?? ?????? ??? ?? ????,
???? ??? ??????? ???????

To lose the person you love so much to another who doesn’t care at all

??? ???? ?????? ???? ???? ????? ??? ?? ????? ?? ????

The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be forgotten

???? ??? ?? ?????? ??? ??? ????, ??? ??? ?????

When you show someone your innermost thoughts and he laughs in your face

????? ???? ????? ??? ???? ?????? ?? ???? ?????? ?? ????

For friends to always be too busy to console you when you need someone to lift your spirits
????? ???? ??????? ??????? ???? ?? ??????? ????? ????? ???? ?? ???? ?? ????????

When it seems like the only person who cares about you, is you

????? ???? ?? ?? ????? ?????? ???? ???? ????? ?? ???
Life is full of pain, but does it ever get better?

?????? ????? ?????? , ??? ?? ????? ????? ??????

Will people ever care about each other, and make time for those who are in need?

?? ?????? ????? ???? ????? ?????
? ?????? ????? ?????? ????? ??????? ?????????

Each of us has a part to play in this great play we call life

??? ???? ??? ??? ???? ?? ?????
?? ??? ???????? ???? ?????? ??????

Each of us has a duty to mankind to tell our friends we love them

??? ?? ???? ??? ???? ?????????
??? ?? ???? ???????? ????? ?????

If you do not care about your friends you will not be punished
??? ??? ?? ???? ???? ???????, ??? ?????? ???

You will simply be ignored… forgotten… as you have done to others
??? ?????????? ? ?????? ??? ?????
????? ??? ???? ????????

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Enough Is Enough! Seminar in New Orleans
I have been invited to New Orleans to give a workshop on November 18, 2007 for some folks whose lives were impacted by Katrina. During my stay, I will keep a video diary, which I will upload to my Web site, StopEnduring.com. If you live in New Orleans, you are invited to attend this free workshop. Contact me at Jane@janestraus.com.

Donation of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation to New Orleans Schools
I am donating 120 copies of the Eighth Edition of her bestselling reference guide and workbook, The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation. If you know of a school in the New Orleans area that could use the book, contact Jane at Jane@janestraus.com.

Jane on TV January 10, 2008
I will be interviewed on NBC 11’s The Bay Area Today on January 10. I will be talking about New Year’s resolutions. Expect a fresh take on the subject. More details to follow.

Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:childhood, dear jane, deserve, enjoying life, hurt, ignore, inner child, Jane Straus, painful feelings, rejection
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Anger and Decision Making

Friday, October 26th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
I was numb in my marriage for over ten years before starting therapy. Now I recognize that I have been angry and resentful towards my wife and want a divorce. I was ready to tell her this the other night after dinner. But we were watching Dr. Phil and he told a woman who was in the same situation that she wasn’t ready for a divorce until she’d worked through all her anger and was clear headed. With a lot of conviction, he said that as long as she could get riled up at her husband’s behavior, she wasn’t ready to leave. Needless to say, that shut me up. Do you agree with Dr. Phil? Am I not ready yet? Do I have to wait until I’ve released all my anger? How will I know that I’m not just going numb again?

Dr. Phil’s advice is based on the premise that most of us don’t know how to work with our anger consciously enough to make good decisions while in the throes of it. However, as I write about in Enough Is Enough!, anger can give us important information if we learn how to listen to its meaning.

Anger is a secondary emotion. In other words, we may feel anger first, but underneath anger are resentment, hurt, fear, and/or sadness. If we want to make good decisions, we need to get beneath the anger to our more vulnerable feelings.

Hearing about your anger and prior numbness, I imagine that underneath it you feel resentment towards your wife. But underneath every resentment is a personal regret. What do you regret about your own behavior? Do you regret being numb for so long? Do you regret wasting precious years of your life without experiencing intimacy with a partner? Do you regret being too afraid to look at your marriage honestly before now?

Once you are honest with yourself about your regrets, the next step is to give yourself compassion and forgive yourself. Take whatever time you require to do this until you are no longer in self-blame. Then you will be clear enough to choose whether to stay or to go. Even though you may not be done with feeling all your anger, every time it emerges, you will know how to work with it to get to your deeper truth. As you become competent with your anger, it will no longer run you; it will serve to give you the valuable information you need to make self-loving decisions.

Announcements

Enough Is Enough! Seminar in New Orleans
I have been invited to New Orleans to give a workshop on November 18, 2007 for some folks whose lives were impacted by Katrina. During my stay, I will keep a video diary, which I will upload to my Web site, StopEnduring.com. If you live in New Orleans, you are invited to attend this free workshop. Contact me at Jane@janestraus.com.

Donation of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation to New Orleans Schools
I am donating 120 copies of the Eighth Edition of her bestselling reference guide and workbook, The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation. If you know of a school in the New Orleans area that could use the book, contact Jane at Jane@janestraus.com.

Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:anger, dear jane, decisions, divorce, dr phil, fear, intimacy, Jane Straus, regret, vulnerable feelings
Posted in Dear Jane Podcasts | 1 Comment »

Being Blamed for a Divorce

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

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Dear Jane,
My ex-husband and I divorced after sixteen years of marriage. It wasn’t an awful marriage but I never really loved him. He knew this although we never really talked about it. When he started to drink a few years after our daughter was born, I really felt even more distant from him. We divorced six years ago without much discussion, like distant strangers.
Now I’ve met a wonderful man whom I love deeply. It seems that my ex suddenly can’t stand that I’m happy. (He heard about it from our daughter; I wouldn’t have rubbed his nose in it.) He started calling me telling me every few days, haranguing me that it’s my fault that he drank, that I ruined his self-esteem, and that he wasted the best years of his life on me. I want to know what I should feel guilty about. What should I apologize for?

While we bring all our hopes and dreams into marriage, we also bring all our limiting beliefs, self-judgments, and fears, most of which surface only after the routine of daily life sets in. When your ex-husband agreed to marry you knowing you didn’t really love him, he unconsciously used you to reinforce a prior belief that he wasn’t lovable. (Perhaps you had the same unconscious limiting belief or why would you have chosen him?) This baggage of feeling unworthy of love is what drove him to drink, not you. All you provided was a mirror of a belief he already held. That’s what people do: they mirror back what we already believe about ourselves.
Now, once again, he’s using your current happiness to mirror his belief that he’s unworthy. It’s not your intention to hurt him. He’s hurting himself and he’s the only one who can stop hurting himself by healing his thoughts about his worthiness instead of wasting any more time resenting you. The most harmful thing you could do is to reinforce his unworthiness belief by taking on inappropriate guilt. If you say, “You’re right to resent me. It’s all my fault that you’re miserable and alcoholic,” you are encouraging him to stay blind to what your relationship mirrored within him. If you don’t want to reinforce the belief that he is a “broken cookie” who is unlovable and unworthy, don’t apologize for his unconscious beliefs. Clearly, that won’t help him.
As I write about in Enough Is Enough!, underneath every resentment we hold is an underlying personal regret. Deep down, doesn’t your ex probably really regret not loving himself enough to have created a loving relationship with a partner or even with himself?
So what can you do? Tell him that you hope that he heals the thought that he’s unworthy so that he can have the love he deserves. Tell him that you hope he gets underneath his resentment to his real regret: that he let himself waste time feeling unloved and drowning his feelings in alcohol. Tell him that you are willing to forgive yourself for wasting time similarly.
What you can apologize for is participating in reinforcing his limiting beliefs in any way that you did while you were married. If you were unloving in word or deed, if you ignored him, if you were less than compassionate, apologize for all of that now. Forgive yourself for what your part was given whatever baggage you brought to the relationship. Then encourage him to forgive himself. After that, see him as a whole, deserving, empowered, and healed being. This is the most loving and compassionate thing you can do for both of you.

Announcements

Recovery from the Inside Out

Jane has been invited to New Orleans to give a workshop on November 18, 2007 for folks whose lives have been forever changed by Katrina. During my stay, I will keep a video diary, which I will upload to my Web site, StopEnduring.com. If you live in New Orleans, you are invited to attend this free workshop. My gratitude to my dear friend, Patte McDowell, for donating her air miles.
Also, I will be donating 120 copies of my book, The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Eighth Edition, to New Orleans schools. If you know of a school needing these invaluable books, contact me at Jane@janestraus.com.

Jane on TV January 10, 2008
Jane will be interviewed on NBC 11’s The Bay Area Today on January 10. She will be talking about New Year’s resolutions. Expect a fresh take on the subject. More details to follow.

NEW! Dear Jane Podcasts
Listen to and download Dear Jane Podcasts. Also available for free downloading from iTunes.

Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:alcoholism, dear jane, divorce, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, love, regret, resentments, worthiness
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Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Friday, October 12th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
Although I am a loyal, caring person in relationship, I can hardly find a bird of the same feathers to flock with. What can I do besides pray?

Sometimes we choose our relationships for reasons we’re not aware of consciously. For example, do you find that you have chosen a partner who is in some way like one of your parents? This can be great if you felt loved and nurtured. But if you didn’t always feel that growing up, you may still pick someone who unconsciously reminds you of that parent, not because you are masochistic, but because your spirit is trying to find someone now to help heal your past.

So maybe your mind wants a loyal, caring love, but you have been unknowingly seeking something else to try to heal past suffering. What can you do about this?

1. Home in on the lessons you have been learning from your less-than-loyal relationship. Whom does your last relationship (or relationships) remind you of? How did you handle the hurt you felt as a child? How have you handled the hurt as an adult? If you could “do over” your last relationship, what would you do differently?
2. Don’t take other people’s behaviors personally. They’re doing what they do from their own past programming, including their self-judgments, fears, and limiting beliefs. (Just like you.) If a partner betrays your confidence, for example, it is something in him/her that would allow for that. The less you personalize, the less you will feel victimized.
3. Don’t ignore signs and indicators. If you meet someone who tells you that they’ve cheated on a relationship and you think it will be different with you, it may be that you have an unconscious need to learn some painful lessons. If you want a conscious relationship, you have to work to be conscious yourself. Ask more questions. Check inside if you really feel trusting. Pay attention to your intuition.
4. Check inside to see if you’re looking to be right about how relationships are untrustworthy or not good enough. We often try to be right to protect ourselves from future hurt at the expense of current happiness. Being right can come at the expense of intimacy.
5. Make sure you are like the person you want to attract. If you have ever been uncaring or disloyal, don’t pretend to be “holier than thou.” Admit your trespasses to yourself and make amends to anyone you have hurt or betrayed. This clearing of your slate will invite a new, higher-level relationship.

Announcements

Recovery from the Inside Out

Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:childhood, dating, dear jane, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, listening to spirit, relationship, relationship advice, trust
Posted in Dear Jane Podcasts | No Comments »

Guilt Over a Suicide

Saturday, October 6th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How can I forgive myself and my husband’s family when our faults contributed to the death of my son (to suicide)? I was fearful that my son would commit suicide. Because of this, in your view, did I get what I thought? (I guess I already know the answer, which is yes, but in a roundabout way – through not speaking my mind because I was afraid of being rejected/abandoned.) I am angry and resentful at family members for growing marijuana for profit/greed. (They are not poor). My son started out with marijuana. I forgive them intellectually but cannot as yet emotionally. Do you suggest discussing my feelings with them or let it be. I have had advice both ways.

First, I want to give you my heartfelt condolences and help you by addressing your question about your thoughts causing your son’s suicide:
I don’t subscribe to the belief that thoughts lead to particular inevitable results. If they did, we’d all have to take blame or credit for everything. To believe that our thoughts are the sole cause of someone else’s behaviors doesn’t take into account others’ free will. You don’t know if recognizing more clearly that your son was at great risk and speaking up to your husband’s family would have kept him alive. None of us are so powerful that we can control others’ thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Secondly, you have already paid the highest price a mother can pay for having had a fear run you. In your son’s honor, do two things:
1. Do whatever it takes to say “no” to further fear of rejection/abandonment. If this means expressing your feelings to your husband’s family, then do so. Most importantly, make a pact with yourself that you will recognize your symptoms of fear and not let them rule you in the future.
2. Offer yourself compassion. Take time every day to practice compassion for your loss, for having been afraid, and for making choices you wish had been different. Trust that your son would not want to add to your suffering, so don’t withhold forgiving yourself.

Announcements

Recovery from the Inside Out
Jane has been invited to New Orleans to give a workshop on November 18, 2007 for folks whose lives have been forever changed by Katrina. During my stay, I will keep a video diary, which I will upload to my Web site, www.StopEnduring.com. If you live in New Orleans, you are invited to attend this free workshop. Contact me at Jane@janestraus.com. My gratitude to my dear friend, Patte McDowell, for donating her air miles.

Tags:dear jane, expressing your feelings, fear of rejection, Jane Straus, rejection, suffering, suicide
Posted in Blogs, Dear Jane Podcasts | No Comments »

Healing Post Traumatic Stress

Monday, October 1st, 2007

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I have been invited to New Orleans to give a workshop for some folks whose lives have been forever changed by Katrina. I will be going with great humility as I don’t presume to fathom the emotional, physical, and spiritual demands that this catastrophe has imposed on those who live in its aftermath. During my stay, I will keep a video diary, which I will upload to my Web site, StopEnduring.com.
While living through a catastrophe such as Katrina is in some ways unique, there are commonalities in how our minds and spirits attempt to handle extreme trauma. Learning about these commonalities can help us support each other during and after times of crisis.
If you have suffered through war; emotional, physical, or sexual abuse; a natural or manmade disaster; or abandonment or overwhelming loss, you may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If you isolate yourself, you are more likely to experience chronic PTSD long after the initial trauma. Your symptoms may, in fact, become disabling.
Therefore, it is important to learn the symptoms of PTSD so that you know if you need to reach out or if someone you care about needs help. PTSD symptoms can include one or more of the following:
• flashbacks about the traumatic event
• feelings of estrangement or detachment
• nightmares/sleeping disturbances
• eating disturbances
• suicidal thoughts
• occupational instability
• memory disturbances
• family discord
• parenting or marital difficulties
• hopelessness
• helplessness
• alcohol/drug abuse
Recognizing the symptoms of PTSD will help you understand that you’re not “crazy.” In fact, your symptoms are actually coping strategies you’ve unconsciously devised to keep you from re-experiencing the intensity of the trauma.

The problem is that these coping strategies can evolve into permanent lifestyle changes that wear you down after a while, keeping you enduring rather than thriving. This is no time to feign a stiff upper lip or to try to pull yourself up by elusive bootstraps. You owe it to yourself to reach out for help.

Remember, PTSD is not a sign of weakness; on the contrary, it’s a clever strategy that your psyche has conjured up to keep you from being overwhelmed. So don’t hide your PTSD and suffer in silence and isolation. Join a support group, seek counseling, and/or help others who are in a similar situation.

Let me know if this information is helpful to you.

Tags:alcoholism, dear jane, Jane Straus, Katrina, New Orleans, post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd, suicide
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Lessons from The Wizard of Oz

Saturday, September 15th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
I just bought a nice new car, which I’d been saving up for. I felt excited when I got into it, smelled that new-car smell, and heard the engine purr. That was a week ago. Now, even though I’m still proud of myself for attaining this goal, I don’t feel jazzed about the car itself anymore. Why is the thrill gone so quickly? How come I don’t stay happy for very long?

Given the amount of debt we Americans are currently up to our ears in, you’d think that money must buy happiness. But just a few years ago, a landmark Harvard study demonstrated that, although many people believe that a nice piece of jewelry, a larger home, a new car, or more money will make them happy, this satisfaction doesn’t last long.

The researchers found that what makes us happiest for the greatest duration is something money can’t buy: friendship. If we take this conclusion to heart—that what will make us happiest is our connection with others—then we have to believe that our best decisions, the ones that help us thrive and enjoy life the most for the longest time, require nothing more than an open heart.

Often, we’re like the Tin Woodsman or the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz, searching everywhere for what we think is missing when it’s right there inside of us all along. Our capacity for happiness is like that—it’s right there inside us yet we look far and wide for it, often paying a high price to boot.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t buy a car. I’m saying that you’ll probably be happier if you have someone in it next to you to crank up the CD player and sing with. If you want to own a bigger home, make sure you focus on creating laughter and love in there.

The Jewish people have a saying: It’s better to give with warm hands. What this means is that it’s more enjoyable to share while we’re alive than to hold onto everything until we’re dead, an attorney doling it out to our descendants.

Any material object that we crave will lose its luster once we possess it, while relationships that are joyful and loving never tarnish.

Tags:abundant life, dear jane, friend, friendship, happiness, Jane Straus, satisfaction
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Being the Light, not Shining the Light

Monday, September 10th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
I’ve done a lot of healing work and want to help others, but I sometimes get discouraged. I think, “What can I, as one person, do to make the world better? I’m not Nelson Mandela or Mother Teresa or some brave whistle blower.” I guess I’m overwhelmed. How can I get over this hurdle?

We are not beings apart. We are not made to ignore suffering in the world. As we tend to our own wounds with compassion, we are naturally drawn to reaching out to help others. So what stops us from giving more of ourselves?

Our guardian self, which I talk about in my book, Enough Is Enough!, keeps us playing small by convincing us we are powerless and comparing us unfavorably to our heroes. Why? Because the job of the guardian self is to help us avoid disappointment and pain. And it’s true that when we open our hearts and reach out, we will experience others’ pain.

But what happens if we don’t reach out? The only alternative is to shut down, imprison our spirit, and spend the rest of our days making excuses for our fears.

The last words of the Buddha were, “Be a lamp unto yourself; make of yourself a light.” Not “carry a lantern”; be the light. Your spirit has boundless energy and bottomless compassion. It longs to express your values and aspirations. It longs to give. As your numbness dissolves, your spirit’s voice is rising above your guardian self’s chatter asking, “How can I help?”

In his inaugural speech, Nelson Mandela calls for us to see ourselves as the powerful beings we already are:

Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some of us,
it is in everyone,
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people
Permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

One final thought: You cannot notice in someone else what does not exist within you. If you experience admiration for Nelson Mandela or Mother Teresa, it is not because they are different, but because your spirit resonates with theirs.

Tags:Buddha, caring, compassion, dear jane, fear, giving, helping, inner light, Jane Straus, spirit
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To Stay or To Go

Sunday, September 2nd, 2007

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Dear Jane,
I can’t stand the relationship I’ve been in anymore. My partner and I have been together for 12 years. I always thought we would make it. We have so much in common and we’ve been supportive of each other. But I realize that I’ve been unhappy, without admitting it to myself, for quite a while. I feel drained by how much he needs me and demands of me. Lately, I can’t stand the thought of him even touching me. I fantasize him dying or him saying he wants to end the relationship. I know this is because I don’t want to be the one to make the decision. What should I do? I feel like I’m dying inside.

What I hear coming through loudly and clearly is your built-up resentment. Resentment kills: It kills relationships and it kills our own spirit.

There must be reasons you were not aware of your resentment until you couldn’t ignore it anymore. Usually, this is a symptom of co-dependence, meaning that you have an unconscious strategy of abandoning yourself to please/keep others until you’re so hurt from feeling wronged or fed up that you suddenly “blow.”

If you simply leave the relationship, which is very tempting at this point, I’m sure, you will find yourself repeating this pattern of self-abandonment – hurt – resentment – desire to leave. Even if you stay single for a while, you may create this pattern within friendships. So although I can’t tell you whether to stay or to go, I can support you in letting go of the illusion that leaving is the entire solution. Use what is in your life right now to heal your issue.

So what is the issue? Generally, we are co-dependent when we believe we will be abandoned or unloved if we ask for what we want or need. What messages did you get as a child about being lovable? How much security did you have? How has this impacted your current relationship? What have you been holding back? How have you sacrificed yourself in the relationship? Once you realize that the fear of abandonment and the sacrificing of your own needs is how your current difficulty arose, you can begin experiencing healing.

It takes practice to perceive yourself as worthy of love regardless of whether someone else can or is willing to provide it. Often, we have to address childhood traumas and beliefs to heal this dependency on others for our self-worth. The first step is trusting that you deserve to heal any mistaken beliefs that you are anything less than worthy of respect, compassion, and love. Once you question your painful, limiting beliefs and your old authorities and begin to affirm your own worthiness, you will notice three amazing results: 1. You will stop abandoning yourself. 2. You will no longer feel so threatened by others abandoning you. 3. Others will begin to mirror back to you your worthiness. All of these results will help heal your resentment.

In Enough Is Enough!, I write about how resentment is disguised regret. The resentment you feel towards your partner is really a regret that you haven’t treated yourself with the respect, compassion, and love that you wish he would provide.

So whether you stay in this relationship or leave, acknowledge that you have been a co-conspirator in the setup that has caused you to end up so resentful. Let yourself drop down into the underlying regret. Once you can take 100% responsibility for your part (responsibility = ability to respond) and take 100% responsibility for affirming your self-worth, the dynamics of your relationship will shift. As you love yourself, you will find both peace and clarity.

Jane’s Coaching and Training

Jane Straus is the author of the popular self-help book, Enough Is Enough! See her TV interviews, read her articles, and order the book by visiting StopEnduring.com.

For over 20 years, Jane Straus has coached individuals and groups, facilitated organizational retreats, conducted training programs, and presented keynotes for corporations and nonprofits nationwide.

To get exceptional results from coaching and training, you need someone who knows how to assess blind spots as well as enhance strengths. Jane’s coaching helps individuals and groups maximize their potential. Jane works to ensure that each client receives the wisdom, skills, and support he/she needs to succeed and thrive.

Contact Jane directly at Jane@janestraus.com to discuss your coaching or training needs or visit StopEnduring.com for more information and testimonials.

Tags:abandonment, codependent, coping strategies, dear jane, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, relationship, relationship advice, resentments, worthiness
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Finding Time for What Really Matters

Monday, August 27th, 2007

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Starting to work for personal change is exciting but after a while, it feels like life interrupts and there’s not enough time/energy to do what needs to be done. What are some of the ways people who have been successful keep up with their plans for the long haul?

Years ago, one of my spiritual teachers said, “We always do what is most important.” In my mind, I argued against that, but I’ve thought about it a lot over the years and learned something important about myself and about human nature.

The truth is that we aren’t always honest about what we are making important. So when we say we want to do something but we don’t have time, we need to question what we are really valuing.

For years I proclaimed that I wanted to write a spiritual, self-help book that would provide whatever wisdom I had gleaned in my 20-plus years as a life coach and personal growth seminar leader. Yet I couldn’t seem to find the time even to make an outline.

Then in January of 2003, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Needless to say, this was a wake-up call that compelled me to do a deep personal inventory. If this brain tumor was cancerous or I lost my faculties because of the surgery, would I have any regrets in my life? The answer was a loud “Yes!” I knew I had copped out about writing the book.

But why? I really did want to write it so why hadn’t I? I had to find what my overriding priority had been if I wanted to “find the time” now. And the saying, “No time like the present” seemed more obvious than ever before. I discovered that my real priority had been to avoid fear and rejection. I had feared that I wasn’t a good enough writer, that no publisher would want the book, and that there would be no audience for it. I also feared some of my family’s disapproval of my thoughts. Once I was honest with myself and realized that there truly is “No time like the present,” I shifted my priorities.

Suddenly, where I had no time before, I was now able to carve out time. Where fear had blocked me, ideas now began to flow. Writing Enough Is Enough! was hard work and often ego bruising but, because I had been honest with myself, it got written, was welcomed by a publisher, and is a tangible object I use to propel me through my other fears.

With Enough Is Enough! birthed and out in the world, I had to face my next writing demon: As a teenager, I said I wanted to write the Great American Novel. Over the years, in fits and starts, I had scribbled ideas, dialogue, and even chapters. But it was all collecting dust until I again faced the truth that I had been prioritizing my fears over my spiritual longing.

I’ve spent the last two years working diligently, learning the craft, taking in experts’ critiques, and rewriting, rewriting, rewriting. Last week I sent my manuscript, titled Touched, to my literary agent. I’ll let you know what she thinks.

So don’t fool yourself with your excuses. It’s a setup for regret. I was fortunate to get a second chance. Use NOW as your chance to prioritize your spirit over your fears. No doubt, you will find yourself living a more extraordinary life.

Jane’s Coaching and Training

For over 20 years, Jane Straus has coached individuals and groups, facilitated organizational retreats, conducted training programs, and presented keynotes for corporations and nonprofits nationwide.

Contact Jane directly at Jane@janestraus.com to discuss your coaching or training needs or visit StopEnduring.com for more information and testimonials.

Jane Straus is the author of the popular self-help book, Enough Is Enough! See her TV interviews, read her articles, and order the book by visiting StopEnduring.com.

Tags:dear jane, fear of rejection, how to make time, Jane Straus, personal growth, time energy, wake up call
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