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Healing Your Grief

Monday, December 25th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
Why do I feel so bogged down and sooo wrapped up with myself that it has become a physical thing? I feel like I have “cancer of the heart.” When will this sad, unrelenting “Why me? It’s not fair. I don’t deserve a divorce” mindset ever go away?

First of all, you are asking yourself the wrong questions, questions that set you up for staying in a rut because they are so self-judging.

Although I don’t know how long you have been feeling this unrelenting sadness, it is important to respect your grief. When you lose a relationship, whether it is to divorce or death, you have a right to grieve. Unpopular as grieving is, it is necessary to experience for as long as it’s there. The more you beat yourself up about grieving, the slower the healing process. Practice more compassion for yourself. You have lost something. You feel rejected. These feelings are hard enough without your shaming yourself for them.

Perhaps this divorce is also bringing up past loss or rejection. Or you may be experiencing clinical depression or Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome in addition to your grief. I encourage you to talk to a life coach or therapist to help assess your unique situation. You shouldn’t have to bear the burden of your pain alone.

Read Chapter 6 of Enough Is Enough!, “Unchain Your Heart: Free Your Feelings” and also Chapter 7, “Take Off Your Armor: Heal Your Anger and Resentment.” Underneath your self-pity may be anger and resentment that need to see the light of day in order for you to get free. Please keep me posted.

About Jane
Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:dear jane, divorce, grief, healing process, Jane Straus, post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd, rejection, resentment, self-judgment
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How to Know When You Are Fulfilled

Friday, December 22nd, 2006

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Dear Jane,
How can I figure out whether I am doing what makes me happy? What are some of the symptoms of unhappiness, or must I wait for a life-threatening situation?

I wrote Enough Is Enough! to help others avoid having to go through a life-threatening situation in order to wake up to your spirit’s calling.

If you are having to ask yourself if you are happy, then you probably aren’t. Perhaps you haven’t yet had the satisfaction that goes with fulfilling your spirit’s purpose, so you don’t know what benchmark to compare your feelings with.

The symptoms of endurance or a less-than-thriving life are discussed in depth in my book. I will give you a short list here that you should find helpful:
Anxiety, addiction, depression, cynicism, hopelessness, helplessness, boredom, frustration, resentment, endless To Do lists, ruts, listlessness…the list goes on and on!

The most important thing you can do is to pay attention. If you are suffering from any of these symptoms, don’t ignore yourself. You deserve to create a thriving, extraordinary life. Remember, others in your life will benefit also. As one bumper sticker says, “Become the person your dog thinks you are.” This is a way of saying that you owe it to yourself to like the reflection you see in the mirror. Time is precious and so is your spirit. Begin today!

Tags:dear jane, endurance mode, extraordinary life, happiness, Jane Straus, life purpose, listening to spirit, spirit, thriving
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Letting Go of A Destructive Love

Friday, December 15th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
How do you let go of a love you know is not good for you?

Being in love with the “wrong” person is the seed of so many poems, novels, films, plays—not to mention the core of much of our pain and longing. While I don’t know your particular situation, I can say that willing yourself not to love someone is very difficult. I’ve never known anyone who was successful at it. Just as falling in love is a mysterious phenomenon so is falling out of love. Both often happen when we least expect it. What you can do is treat yourself with dignity, respect, and care in the meantime.

In my life coaching practice, I often work with people desperate to let go of “unhealthy love.” The most important question to answer is: Are you self-destructive in the relationship? If so, recognize that what you are calling love is not love; it is an addiction. Addictions feel good in moments but we pay the price, feeling a loss of self-esteem, powerlessness, hopelessness, anxiety, and depression to name a few symptoms. While you may not be able to “fall out of love,” just as an alcoholic may not be able to simply quit drinking, you can seek professional help to get you through the withdrawal period.

Like any addiction, you have to be ready to end your attachment to the relationship to really let go. If you’re not ready, be truthful with yourself. See what value there still is for you in the relationship. You can still gain insight and grow within a negative relationship (as long as you are not being emotionally or physically abused). Most importantly, stop judging your feelings. It’s a waste of time and only adds to self-destructive behavior. Take a look in my book, Enough Is Enough!, Chapter 3, “Remove Your Blinders.” It will help you begin to trust that you will learn something of value from this pain, something that you will not forget once you are released from the longing.

Tags:addiction, dear jane, Jane Straus, love, relationship, relationship advice, self-judgment, unhealthy love
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Trading Addictions

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
I quit drinking alcohol almost 20 years ago, and I quit smoking more than 5 years ago, but I have yet to release my attachment to sugar. What would you suggest?

We will tend to “trade” addictions until we get to the bottom line of why we have the addiction to begin with. While there is ample evidence that addictions have a physical and even a genetic component, there are thousands of people who kick addictions daily. Studies suggest that the best way to heal an addiction is to work on all levels simultaneously. Here are a few questions to get you started on the emotional and spiritual levels of healing:
When did your addictive behavior begin?
What triggered it?
What were you feeling at the time: Scared? Hurt? Humiliated? Abandoned?
What do you feel when you kick one habit? Do you feel the same original painful feeling?
Answering these questions will give you clues about why you’re trading addictions.

Addictions serve as coping strategies to help us handle difficult or frightening emotions and situations. Of course, they present a new set of difficulties, and once we get into an addictive pattern, we suffer the loss of what little self-esteem we may have had.

You need to know that you deserve to like the person you see reflected in the mirror. In order to admire yourself, discover and heal the root pain that has kept you in this vicious circle, enduring humiliation and shame. Often, people are afraid to go to that root pain. I promise you that nothing you will experience when you go back to it can be worse than what you have already experienced.

Never tell yourself that you should be fixed by now. That’s hanging out in Courtroom Earth. Hang out in Classroom Earth instead. (Chapter 2, Enough Is Enough!)
Acknowledge yourself for being in the truth that you are suffering and don’t deny yourself more help. Find someone you can trust to work with, someone compassionate and insightful. Those in your life deserve you to be free of this pain. Most of all, you deserve it.

Tags:addiction, alcoholism, coping strategies, dear jane, deserve, Jane Straus, painful feelings
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Healing Your Shame

Friday, December 1st, 2006

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Dear Jane,
What is the difference between guilt and shame?

It’s invaluable to discern the difference between guilt and shame so that we can respond appropriately in situations and can ask others to respond to us appropriately and fairly also. It’s also vital that we know whether we are feeling bad because of something we have done or because we have simply gotten into the habit of feeling bad.

Guilt is something our conscience compels us to feel when we have acted in a way that is not in alignment with our own moral compass. If we believe in being honest and we lie, we will feel guilty (even if we justify it as a “white lie” to ourselves or others). If we believe in the Golden Rule, “Do unto others…,” we will feel guilty if we treat someone disrespectfully or unfairly. In guilt, we feel bad about what we have done, not who we are. We are able to distinguish between the goodness of who we fundamentally are and the mistake we have made that requires correction/amends/asking forgiveness.

Shame is a different experience. When we feel shame, it is not for what we have done, not for a particular behavior, but for who we are. When in shame, we want to hide; we feel that we don’t deserve love or respect. Shame is often a pervasive experience that we don’t recognize within ourselves. Shame can feel quite “normal.”

When we feel ashamed, we emit a certain aura/vibe/energy. Others who pick up on this energy may misinterpret it and assume that we have behaved badly, causing them to overreact or for us to believe we deserve excessive punishment. We may not recognize the ways we carry and show our shame and wonder why others are so hard on us. This is how others mirror our beliefs about ourselves and why it’s so important to heal our shame.

Shame can cause us to continue to act in ways that lead us to feeling guilty. So guilt and shame are part of a vicious cycle. How can we heal our shame?

1. The first step in breaking the cycle is learning to discern between guilt and shame. The following are the chief symptoms of shame. If you can identify with even one of these points, you are likely to be living in shame.
• Comparing ourselves to others and finding ourselves always falling short
• Embarrassment when we receive compliments
• A general sense of unworthiness
• Distrust that others truly like us or respect us—“waiting for the other shoe to drop” in every relationship
• Accepting excessive blame—more than a situation warrants
• Continually behaving in ways that go against our own standards of behavior
• Feeling bad about certain thoughts, even when we have no intention of acting on these thoughts

2. The second step is to look at your recent “wrongs” objectively. What triggered those behaviors? What did you do about rectifying your actions? Did you over-apologize? Did you allow someone to verbally or physically punish you for your behavior? If you overcompensated in any way, then you are carrying shame, not just guilt, and you are doing yourself harm.

3. The third step is to retrace your path to where the shame started. Often, shame starts in childhood when a trusted adult shames us for something outside of our control: our sexuality, our intelligence, the way we spoke or dressed, a behavior we didn’t know wasn’t okay. Children soak up shame easily.

4. See the past with your adult eyes. Would you want to shame a child for what you feel shameful about? Let the child within you know that it was not his/hers to carry and that you release him/her from the shame now.

Tags:adult children, dear jane, deserve, guilt, healing childhood wounds, Jane Straus, shame, worthiness
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It’s a B*tch Being Conscious

Tuesday, November 28th, 2006

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Do you ever feel that it takes more work, more out of you emotionally, to live a conscious life than it did to live less-than-consciously? Many years ago I had a T-shirt made with the saying, It’s A Bitch Being Conscious. I wore it on the first day of my Journey Into Ecstasy workshop intensive because I could count on it to evoke instant, knowing laughter from all the participants.

So why do we do it? Why do we keep working on ourselves when it takes so much effort, when we’d sometimes rather be zoned out, pour a cold one, light up a joint or cigarette, or grab the remote? Why do we put ourselves through seeming torture for no guaranteed rewards, sometimes paying a hefty price for the privilege of doing so? Are we just masochists disguised as seekers and healers? Is ignorance perhaps, if not the best policy, at least a better one than relentless self-examination? Who is it that said that the unexamined life is not worth living? A lot of people might disagree.

I know that I’m supposed to answer these rhetorical, “teaser” questions for you in this paragraph. I’m supposed to justify and validate all your hard work, the money you spend on coaching, therapy, workshops, and books, the courage you’ve mustered to face your demons. But you know, I don’t know why anyone does it.

When my coaching clients express how hard this work sometimes is all I can do is smile, agree, and cheerlead. I say things like, “Doesn’t clarity feel better than confusion?” “Doesn’t feeling your emotions feel better than walking around numb?” Sometimes they give in and admit that they like living in an aware and awakened state. Sometimes they give me the look that lets me know I’m skating on thin ice, that their answer just might be a resounding “No!” if I weren’t so chipper.

I can relate. I like the temporary high that blaming and playing the victim provide so well. Blaming feeds my ego and playing the victim allows me to relinquish responsibility for my life. Who wouldn’t say, “Bring it on!”

But once the high leaves, I’m stuck with all my hangover symptoms: depression, lower self-esteem, helplessness, and hopelessness. I wake up and see in the mirror someone who traded the excitement of possibility for the drudgery of inevitability, someone who is stuck in a rut, reading from a very boring script, complaining often and loudly. I see someone who, while familiar, is less than admirable.

Kicking and screaming, or at least whining, I stop the chatter and remind that face in the mirror what the goal of consciousness is: happiness. I tell myself that I am more than the sum of my fears, self-judgments, and limiting beliefs. I quiet the chatter long enough to hear my spirit’s whispers. And when I persevere, I do occasionally stumble onto great and unexpected joy. More often, I find myself feeling at least a small measure of peace. I’m grateful for that. Is it all worth it? I guess each of us needs to answer that question for ourselves.

Tags:conscious life, dear jane, happiness, healing process, hopelessness, Jane Straus, listening to spirit, personal growth, spirit, unconscious energy
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Ten Ways to Enjoy Your Holiday Season More

Monday, November 20th, 2006

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The holidays can be a mix of renewing connections and being reminded of old wounds. If you are approaching the season with both excitement and dread, keep these pointers in mind. They will help ensure that you leave family gatherings with the kind of memories you want to recall.

*Talk to yourself before a family gathering
Remind yourself that you are inherently worthy of respect and kindness and that you don’t need to prove yourself at this time of year. Promise yourself that if you slip into defending yourself, your mate, your children, your job, or your appearance with those you have a history of trying to prove yourself to, you will stop as soon as you notice you are being goaded. You can even say out loud, “I don’t want to spend my time or energy defending myself or others. Let’s find a way to talk more productively (or kindly).”

*Keep reminders close at hand of how you are valued
During the other 50 weeks a year, you are often appreciated by those in your daily life. If you are celebrating away from home, bring emails, notes, or letters that contain compliments or loving sentiments, pictures of those who are your support system, and a book that lifts you spiritually and helps you stay above the fray.

*Write a new affirmation every day and repeat it constantly
An affirmation is a positive thought you choose to immerse into your consciousness for a desired result. An example might be, “I appreciate and acknowledge my own strengths.” Or a good one might be, “I now give to myself what I think I need from others.” This could include understanding, compassion, respect, or joy.

*Don’t talk behind others’ backs
Gossip feeds upon itself. If you don’t want it done to you, don’t participate in it. This commitment will help you feel self-respect when you look in the mirror.

*Don’t use the holidays as a time to try to heal past hurts

Being around family can trigger old wounds. But too many people, too little time, too much alcohol, and too much pressure are ingredients for disaster, not mending relationships. If you are harboring resentments, talk about them ahead of time or after the holidays are over. Don’t get caught up in the moment and let loose. It will just make next year’s holiday time that much harder.

*Use win/win communications
You don’t have to stoop to anyone else’s level. If someone in your family behaves badly, try not to name call but promise yourself you will stand up for yourself and tell them how you feel about their behavior.

*Set limits about what’s acceptable for yourself in advance
What are some likely uncomfortable or painful scenarios you will be facing? You don’t have to cross your fingers that nothing will happen, especially if fighting or belittling has been one of your family’s holiday traditions. Decide in advance how you will handle these situations and at what point you will respond rather than ignore, take a break rather than endure, or even walk away.

*Take some time for yourself
We all need to regroup and get centered again. Most of us aren’t accustomed to being surrounded by company 24/7 and our spirits need a break. Go for a walk or drive, read a book, take a nap, or do an errand BY YOURSELF. Take in your surroundings in more detail. While you are alone, don’t rehash past conversations. Do an affirmation instead.

*Shop from your heart
Let go of trying to “balance the books,” figuring out what to get others according to criteria such as what they got you last year or how much they spent. Let your heart find the perfect gift that reflects their specialness without putting you into the endurance of deepening debt.

*Be generous with what matters
Offering compliments, listening well, giving of your time, helping with chores—all of your efforts will make you not only a welcome member of your group but will help you to keep your heart open.

No one can guarantee that this holiday will be the best one ever. But you can decide to stop enduring and make this season your lead-in to a new, extraordinary year.

Tags:adult children, affirmations, dear jane, family, healing childhood wounds, holidays, Jane Straus, resentments, self-love, worthiness
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Letting Go of Seething Resentment

Sunday, October 15th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
I don’t know if it’s fair to say that I “suffer” from road rage but I do resent the way a lot of people drive. My children don’t like that I’m always cussing people out and I realize I’m not being a great role model of ‘live and let live.’ How can I get a handle on this seething resentment that seems to come out at strangers?

As much as you don’t want to feel resentful and angry, you need to see it as a clue. Underlying every resentment is a disguised regret. So resentment provides an opportunity to heal.
Here’s one brief example of how I worked with my own road rage: I was cutting it close getting to an appointment and, sure enough, a driver pulled out in front of me and then drove ever so slowly. I found myself seething with resentment as each tenth of a mile passed. Although I didn’t scream or honk, I thought, “You idiot. You’re making me late. If it weren’t for you, I would have gotten there on time.”
While this may be true, I was certainly not creating inner or outer peace as steam was coming out of my ears. So I forced myself to go deeper to examine what my regret might be. To my surprise, my regrets began to unfold in layers from superficial to visceral. They were:
I regret making someone else late because of me.
I regret cutting things so close and feeling stressed.
I regret acting as though I’m not important enough to leave enough time for things in my life.
I regret believing I’m not important enough.
That last one struck me hardest—in my heart and gut. I was sad about it but relieved too. It was a relief to know that I could go from cursing at a stranger on the road to learning that I still need practice valuing myself more.
Healing from resentment is always the same: Look for the deepest, truest regret, which will likely contain an old self-judgment. Forgive yourself for how you have treated yourself and/or others as a result of holding this self-judgment. Then give yourself compassion.

Tags:anger, dear jane, Jane Straus, regret, resentment, self-judgment, self-worth
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Courtroom Earth v. Classroom Earth

Friday, October 6th, 2006

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In Enough Is Enough!, I talk about what it’s like to think of our environment as a courtroom v. a classroom and how to consciously choose hanging out in the latter. Yet, I’m finding just how habitual it is to forget that I have a choice of where to be.

Sometimes I’m in the Courtroom, acting as my own judge, jury (and executioner) and I don’t even realize it. What about you? Do you find yourself being driven, addicted to more and more evidence to prove that you are worthy? Then do you end up tired, resentful, frustrated, short tempered, with an even greater urge to control and do?

This is my trickiest survival strategy and where I end up enduring the most. It’s tricky because I don’t realize I’m in endurance until my symptoms cause me such great discomfort that I can’t help but notice. Even then, it’s not always easy to just put the brakes on. But I’m committed to doing so.

Here’s what “putting the brakes on” means to me today:
1. Reminding myself that I am worthy and deserving and so is everyone else.
2. Taking some deep breaths. I know this sounds so simple but, even as a breathwork teacher, I can forget to do this.
3. Taking a walk, calling a friend, walking my dog along the waterfront, playing a game with my daughter.
4. Asking for help. This is huge for me.

I think that the first remedy, reminding myself that I am worthy, is the most important. With this reminder, I find myself more willing to commit to the other three remedies, which leads me to thriving, not just surviving.

Tags:dear jane, deserve, enduring, Jane Straus, thriving, worthiness, worthy
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Some Thoughts on Gratitude

Friday, September 29th, 2006

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I received two wonderful emails recently. One was from a teacher of underprivileged teens. He is helping his students, who have no books and must rely on the Internet for materials, study for the SAT. He wrote to thank me for offering my grammar and punctuation rules for free on my other web site, www.grammarbook.com. This email was a lovely reminder that our wealth is not just our money or what we do; it is our knowledge, our wisdom, our compassion, and our love. And the greatest joy comes from sharing our wealth, not accumulating it.

The other email was from my friend who rescues me whenever I have trouble with my computer. Yesterday, after fixing a problem, he sent a test email. In it, he wrote, “thank you.” Confused, I emailed him back asking what he was thanking me for since he had helped me. He wrote back that he wasn’t thanking me; he was using the test email as an opportunity to thank himself. What a guru of gratitude he is. When we share our gifts generously, we don’t have to wait for anyone else to notice or acknowledge us. So go ahead and send yourself an email of gratitude. Perhaps this simple act of self-acknowledgment will inspire you to share your gratitude for others. Don’t hold back, not today.

Tags:dear jane, gratitude, Jane Straus, wealth
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