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Why Your Truth Matters

Friday, April 6th, 2007

Why Your Truth Matters

If we don’t know our truth—what we feel, think, or believe—we cannot tell others our truth. And if we can’t tell others, we can’t let them in. And if we can’t let them in, we will feel lonely.

If we are afraid of speaking our truth to others, we will don disguises and acts. We will become “the good one” or “the competent one” or “the helpful one” or “the addict” or “the selfish one.” Others will come to believe our acts, causing us to become resentful that we can’t be ourselves without risking abandonment or judgment. Worst of all, when we are in our acts for too long, we risk forgetting who we really are.

If we are too afraid to live in our truth, we will feel disconnected from our spirit, leading to abandoning our future while enduring and surviving in a world that feels drab and predictable.

Knowing, speaking, and living your truth matters. You matter. You have unique gifts to offer, gifts that will become ever more apparent as you explore and trust your truths. Choose truth and you will flourish. Choose truth and you will find your courage. Choose truth and you will feel happier and inspired to live your extraordinary life.

Jane Straus is a trusted life coach and the author of the popular book, Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. To read her articles and excerpts from the book, watch her on TV, listen to her on radio, order Enough Is Enough, or to hire her as your life coach, visit stopenduring.com.

Tags:dear jane, extraordinary life, Jane Straus, live your truth, speaking your truth, truth
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How to Find Clarity in a Confusing World

Monday, March 26th, 2007

We can become confused when our two inner voices, the Guardian and the Spirit, clash. Our Guardian is there to protect us from potential harm, both real and imagined. Ideally, our Guardian keeps us from getting into the car to drive home after a night of drinking; or it warns us, “There’s something a little off about that person…let’s avoid him.”

Ensuring our survival keeps our Guardian very busy. The problem is that the Guardian can get stuck on a loud, attention-getting frequency (Watch out! Don’t open your heart!), seeing danger in every situation and around every curve. In fear for our very survival, the Guardian can shout down the Spirit. When it does, we will get confused, wondering why we’re in endurance, feeling bored, lethargic, cynical, or hopeless.

I was a classic example of this “shout down” strategy by my Guardian and didn’t even realize it. Before being diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2003, I had a list of reasons why I couldn’t write Enough Is Enough! I convinced myself that with a fulltime life-coaching practice and a young child to raise, who had time to write a book? Interestingly enough, however, once I was told that I might not survive the brain surgery or that I might not have all my faculties afterwards, suddenly those reasons seemed more like excuses.

I tried not to beat myself up with self-judgments like coward. After all, my Guardian was just trying to help me avoid my fears of rejection and of not being good enough. It took a wake-up call for my Spirit to speak up. When I pulled through the surgery unscathed, I was able to “miraculously” find time to write. What I realize from this experience is this: If we listen to our Guardian voice only, we will end up stuck in confusion and endurance. If we are willing to pay closer attention to what our Spirit has to say, we will find our way out of our ruts and onto the road less traveled, a road that leads to the surprising and the extraordinary.

Jane Straus is the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. Visit stopenduring.com to read more articles, preview her seminars, order the book, or have her as your personal coach.

Tags:clarity, dear jane, endurance mode, fear of rejection, Jane Straus, listening to spirit, spirit, wake up call
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Creating A Wonderful Life

Friday, January 26th, 2007

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Question: I have a wonderful life, and truly feel blessed. It wasn’t always this way, as it took many years of challenges/struggles to get to this stage of my life. My biggest concern is at age 52 I would like to slow down a bit and have more time for activities that I am passionate about, whether it’s oil painting, golfing, or wanting to spend 6 months living in a foreign country or just playing hooky. However, making this a reality is a bit of a daunting task for me because of financial obligations that limit me both time-wise and money-wise. What do you suggest?

How to enjoy life more is one of those good problems to have in life; however, you may need to understand the emotional hurdles you have unconsciously set up so that you can jump over these and enjoy the next phase of your life. Here are 7 ideas to get clear about what’s really blocking you on your path:

1. How did you get to this moment? It’s possible that you never really imagined you’d want what you now want. Or maybe you didn’t think much about your personal future when you were busy raising a family or earning a living. Or maybe you didn’t believe you deserved “the good life” until now.
2. What would you have to give up to have what you say you want?
3. Are you honestly willing to do this?
4. How would your lifestyle change? Can you really picture yourself in this new life?
5. Does this feel too risky? It could be that fear—not time or money—is really what’s holding you back.
6. How does your self-image fit with your image as a painter, golfer, traveler, hooky player? Can you give yourself full permission to own those identities? If not, why not? Do you feel guilty for wanting these pleasures?
7. Create an affirmation to ensure that you will turn these desires into commitments. “I now recognize that I deserve to enjoy my life.” “I now actively engage in what I enjoy doing.” “I am willing to overcome any hurdles to creating a more enjoyable life.”

About Jane
Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:affirmation, creating, dear jane, deserve, fear, Jane Straus, lifestyle change, manifesting
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What A Life Coach Can Do for You

Thursday, January 18th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
What is a life coach and how do I know if I need or want one?

What I do as a life coach is help my clients recognize and let go of the sabotaging thoughts and behaviors that have undermined their success, joy, and intimacy. We all have sabotaging thoughts and behaviors; sometimes it takes someone else to help us see them and to believe in us more than we believe in ourselves. So I’m also an energetic cheerleader and true believer. I will often see the possibilities for a client’s future before he or she can. My job is to inspire each person I work with to create an extraordinary vision and to become adept with the tools to create that vision.

Some life coaches specialize; however, I find that trying to draw the line between personal and professional issues feels arbitrary and artificial. The issues you have—whether it’s a fear of rejection, a self-judgment that you’re not good enough, or a belief that you’ll never be happy—won’t impact just part of your life; you will experience it everywhere.

By healing fear, self-judgment, and limiting beliefs, you will shift both personally and professionally. Your self-esteem will grow and your relationships with colleagues, friends, and family will feel healthier and deeper.

Tags:dear jane, Jane Straus, life coach, limiting beliefs, self sabotage, self-esteem, self-judgment
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How to Forgive and Let Go

Monday, January 15th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How do I forgive some family members for what they have done to me? I hate going to family events and skip the ones I can.

Often, we attempt to forgive because it would be more convenient for everyone concerned if we just hurried up and did it. Forgiveness, however, is a four-step process. In order to do it well and thoroughly, we don’t want to skip a step.

Step One: Acknowledge the wrong(s) done to you. Don’t sweep anything under the rug. Don’t minimize the transgressions.

Step Two: Give yourself compassion for the anger, betrayal, and hurt that accompany telling the truth to yourself. This is the step you really can’t rush. It may take a day to work through these feelings but, more likely, if you have ignored your feelings up until now or shamed yourself for having them, you will need time to honor the pain. How much time? You can’t put a stopwatch to your feelings. We tend to become stuck in feelings when we try to push them away, not when we give them their due. If you want to forgive others, have a pity party first, which is something I talk about in Enough Is Enough!

Step Three: Forgive yourself for any situation where you have not been your own best ally. Maybe you didn’t speak up when a family member was demeaning or insulting you. Maybe you cried when you wish you had said “Stop.” Maybe you even defended or excused their behavior by thinking, “Well, Aunt Mary was drunk when she said that so I can’t hold it against her.” Forgive yourself for not standing up for yourself.

Step Four: Notice what happens next. By doing the first three steps, you will feel less triggered by the transgressions. You won’t forget them; your Spirit just won’t feel a need to remind you that you have more healing work to do. If you are still upset by what someone has done to you, keep doing the first three steps. There may be more layers to the healing your Spirit requires.

Tags:dear jane, family, forgiveness, healing childhood wounds, healing process, Jane Straus, letting go
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Why can’t I stay with a resolution?

Saturday, January 13th, 2007

Sometimes we are more comfortable with our habits, as self-destructive as they may be, than with change. I’ve heard it said that it takes 30 days to create a new habit. That may not seem like a long time, but if you compare it to the years of behaving a certain way without giving it a second thought, 30 days is a long stretch of time for focusing awareness, intention, and action. Don’t minimize how much commitment it takes to implement permanent change. That way, when you do stick with your new commitment, you will have a well-deserved experience of accomplishment.
Sometimes our self-sabotage runs deep. We may think we want to lose weight, quit drinking, or start exercising but we may have underlying fears or limiting beliefs that keep us in a vicious circle:
1. I need to change
2. I want change
3. I am changing
4. I am afraid of changing
5. This change is too foreign for me/doesn’t fit my picture of myself/I’ll get rejected if I change too much/I’m scared
6. I am a failure at making this change
7. I need to change…

If the above sounds all-too-familiar to you, here are some important tips for making and keeping commitments:
1. Don’t commit out of guilt or embarrassment. Those feelings are fleeting and won’t take you the distance. Commit out of a true desire to build your self-esteem, maximize your health, or nurture your spirit in some way.
2. Tell someone else who is supportive about the commitment you are making. The more we put it out there, the more likely we are to keep an agreement with ourselves.
3. Do something every day towards your goal.
4. Don’t make excuses. If you slack off, admit it to yourself. Then forgive yourself immediately.
5. Reward yourself along the way. Remember that life is a journey, not a destination.

Tags:change, dear jane, fear, habits, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, New Year’s Resolutions, self sabotage
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How to Become Rich

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How do I get rich?

When this question was sent to me, I thought I’d pass on answering since 1) by American standards, I am middle class and 2) I am not a financial expert, although many of my clients have attained great wealth through our work together and by reading Enough Is Enough! But I’m just avoiding the question by giving you these disclaimers. So, here are my thoughts.
Decide what “rich” means for you. Is it a certain amount of money, a particular lifestyle, the ability to send your children to college, the guarantee that you’ll never need to look for a job, a yacht, a bigger yacht? Is it having a loving family, good friends? Does “rich” mean being able to be generous without having to blink? All of the above? If you decide on your definition and purpose, you are much more likely to find the drive and means to attain your goals.
Read books by experts on creating wealth. Knowledge is power. It is also motivating. I think that Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker is brilliant. Whether you decide to follow his recommendations or not, he will not let you off the hook about taking responsibility for your choices.
What are your limiting beliefs? What are some of the “poverty” thoughts you hold? Where did you get them? How do you perpetuate them? Do you believe you deserve any more than what you currently have? Would you be ashamed if you had more? Do you get something out of feeling like a victim of struggle?
Practice generosity, kindness, open-heartedness, and compassion. What do these have to do with wealth? Maybe nothing. There are many wealthy people who practice none of these. And there are many middle class and poor people who also practice none of these. So I throw them in for good measure. If you’re going to get rich, I ask you to consider enriching others’ lives in the process.

Tags:abundance, dear jane, deserve, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, manifesting, money, secrets of the millionaire mind, t. harv eker, wealth
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Protecting a Child from Family Members

Tuesday, January 9th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
My mother and I have not spoken for several years. I have no desire to reestablish a relationship with her, but I recently had a daughter of my own (she’s 3 months old) and I don’t think it’s fair to her to not know one of her grandparents. (She does spend time with my father.) I have legitimate concerns for the well being of my daughter spending time alone with my mom and stepfather, but feel I should give her the opportunity to establish a good relationship with them if it is possible. Should I wait until she’s older? How long is that?

It is time to transition from being your mother’s daughter to being your daughter’s mother. If you choose your mother over your daughter, would you perhaps be reenacting whatever betrayal you suffered? If you have legitimate concerns, why would you consider putting your daughter at risk in exchange for the hope that something won’t happen?

It sounds as though you haven’t really fully acknowledged the severity of whatever occurred that caused you to sever your relationship with your mother. In my experience, children don’t break off a relationship with a parent unless they have strong reason to do so. In Enough Is Enough, I address the importance of acknowledging the wrongs that were done to us so that we don’t re-create the same situation for our children and so that we can forgive at a deeper level.

You say you have no desire to reestablish a relationship with your mother. If that is the case, then let it go for now. Or see if you and your mother can work on your relationship with professional help. But do not use your daughter as a “peace offering.” If you want your daughter to have contact with her grandparents, be there with her. Don’t put a time limit on this arrangement. You are responsible for your daughter’s safety and your loyalty belongs with her, not with your mother.

Tags:adult children, betrayal, dear jane, family, forgiveness, Jane Straus, mothers, parenting, relationship
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What Really Prevents You from an Extraordinary Life

Monday, January 8th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
I am in love with a woman but she doesn’t love me. This prevents me from having an extraordinary life.

If you believe that someone else prevents you from leading a more extraordinary life, you are giving away your power, which will only fuel a belief that you are a victim. It is never someone else who stops us from manifesting our deepest truths and longings.
In Enough Is Enough!, I write extensively about how we choose our Acts in life—the thoughts and behaviors that cover up who we really are. The Victim Act is the most common because we can convince ourselves of it so easily. All of us know this one. Inevitably, it sounds like, “I can’t ____ because he/she ______.” It gives us an excuse to avoid responsibility and underlying fears.

Unfortunately, victim thinking also keeps us suffering unnecessarily. I encourage you to change your thought to, “I can ______ because I _______.” Say this ten times a day and within days, you will notice a subtle shift inside you. You will find ways to achieve your goals that were not apparent before. Ideas and opportunities will open up for you.

Free will is a powerful thing. If we give it up, we imprison ourselves. When we embrace it, we find that the key to our prison door has been in our pocket all along.

Tags:affirmations, dear jane, extraordinary life, Jane Straus, love, manifesting, self-talk, truth, victim-consciousness
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Clarity on Your Life Purpose

Saturday, January 6th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
What if you don’t know what your life purpose is? What if it appears to be many things, and it’s difficult to figure out? What if it is so powerful, it seems to have stopped you dead in your tracks for 50 years, living a safe life of symbols of success? What if it is fear of shame and humiliation at such a fundamental level that you have been frozen in time?

If you feel overwhelmed by figuring out your life’s purpose(s), you may be thinking too grandiosely, causing you to feel paralyzed by your dreams rather than motivated by them. We may procrastinate our lives away because the goals we set are too daunting. We become spiritually paralyzed, caught up in a vicious circle of wanting and inaction, wanting and inaction.

First, stop focusing on what stops you. We are all afraid, at some level, of fear and humiliation. Don’t let that be your excuse for suffering. Take one action step towards one of your dreams. If you wanted to be a writer, that would mean writing one page, beginning a journal, talking to another writer, or taking a class. When you take even one step towards your spirit’s longings, you are facing your fears with courage. So write down a few small steps towards one of your goals. Make a commitment to take one of these. Tell someone who is supportive that you are doing this.

The aspirations we hold most dear always require courage. Courage requires action. We can’t get rid of a fear simply by hoping it goes away. As I talk about in Enough Is Enough!, Chapter 5 “Break the Spell of Fear: Make Fear Your Ally,” we learn how to downsize fear by working with it, not avoiding it. So taking one step towards your spirit’s ideals makes a big difference. It shifts your attention, helps you face and shrink your fears, and offers you the opportunity to admire yourself more.

Tags:courage, dear jane, fear, Jane Straus, life purpose, procrastination, thought into action
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