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Archive for January, 2007

Creating A Wonderful Life

Friday, January 26th, 2007

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Question: I have a wonderful life, and truly feel blessed. It wasn’t always this way, as it took many years of challenges/struggles to get to this stage of my life. My biggest concern is at age 52 I would like to slow down a bit and have more time for activities that I am passionate about, whether it’s oil painting, golfing, or wanting to spend 6 months living in a foreign country or just playing hooky. However, making this a reality is a bit of a daunting task for me because of financial obligations that limit me both time-wise and money-wise. What do you suggest?

How to enjoy life more is one of those good problems to have in life; however, you may need to understand the emotional hurdles you have unconsciously set up so that you can jump over these and enjoy the next phase of your life. Here are 7 ideas to get clear about what’s really blocking you on your path:

1. How did you get to this moment? It’s possible that you never really imagined you’d want what you now want. Or maybe you didn’t think much about your personal future when you were busy raising a family or earning a living. Or maybe you didn’t believe you deserved “the good life” until now.
2. What would you have to give up to have what you say you want?
3. Are you honestly willing to do this?
4. How would your lifestyle change? Can you really picture yourself in this new life?
5. Does this feel too risky? It could be that fear—not time or money—is really what’s holding you back.
6. How does your self-image fit with your image as a painter, golfer, traveler, hooky player? Can you give yourself full permission to own those identities? If not, why not? Do you feel guilty for wanting these pleasures?
7. Create an affirmation to ensure that you will turn these desires into commitments. “I now recognize that I deserve to enjoy my life.” “I now actively engage in what I enjoy doing.” “I am willing to overcome any hurdles to creating a more enjoyable life.”

About Jane
Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:affirmation, creating, dear jane, deserve, fear, Jane Straus, lifestyle change, manifesting
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Finding and Keeping Mr. or Ms. Right

Saturday, January 20th, 2007

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While some self-help books focus on strategies to get into a relationship, anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that they require tending or they die on the vine. So how can you stop wasting your time on romances that fizzle out? What really makes a romance blossom into a long-term commitment? Here are 5 key strategies to finding and nurturing Great Love:
1.Tell the truth. Truth and love are synonymous. But be careful because telling the truth is not the same as being honest. Honesty may contain judgments, such as, “I think you’re narrow minded for saying you wouldn’t marry a Republican.” Truth is more vulnerable and does not contain judgment. Restated, the truth might be, “When you say you would never marry a Republican, I feel hurt and scared. I’m afraid that if I disagree with you politically, you will leave, regardless of the other great things about our relationship.”
If you don’t feel safe telling the truth about your past, your personality, or your quirks to your new relationship, tell your partner that you need to keep some things private still. But don’t massage the truth, don’t go into an act, and don’t lie. Remember, it’s hard to regain trust that’s been broken.
If you’ve lied to someone you’re involved with, don’t spend one more day torturing yourself with the shame, guilt, and fear that’s inside of you. No matter how afraid you are that you will be rejected or abandoned, clear the air without excuses. (The only exception to this advice is if you have reason to believe that telling the truth will endanger you physically. If this is the case, get professional help.)
Truth is sexy. Truth is passionate. Truth is intimate. Truth is love.
2. Be the love you want to receive. We all want love, loyalty, intimacy, respect, compassion, and friendship. But to deserve it, we need to offer those same things to our partner. And we need to offer them generously. An open heart is much more inviting and accessible than a protected one.
3. Become your partner’s safe haven. Becoming a safe harbor for someone is one of the greatest gifts we can offer and is very much appreciated. Allow your partner to express feelings, even negative ones, without rushing to judgment or trying to fix him/her. Feelings don’t need fixing anyway.
4. Fight fair. This is the hardest prescription on the list for many people as we’ve learned bad and sometimes destructive habits. If you can admit right now that you don’t know how to fight in such a way that you end up closer rather than more estranged, then get help. Hire a life coach or therapist or read books on conscious, loving communications (including my book, Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life). The sooner you become adept at this skill, the less resentment your relationship will build. Fighting well is cleansing and makes make-up sex even better!
5. Make a list of the 10 Things That Make You Feel Most Loved. Ask your partner to do the same. You may be surprised to hear each other’s lists. They often don’t match. Keep your partner’s list and look at it every day. If your partner loves to receive roses, then don’t send irises, even if they’re on your list of favorites.
In Enough Is Enough!, I talk about how I feel loved when my husband remembers that I like yellow mustard, not Dijon. We’re all quirky in what makes us feel loved. Honor your partner’s list and you will build a strong foundation that will get you through the hard times.
Does this seem like a lot of work? It is! But you will definitely reap the benefits. Even if the romantic relationship you’re in currently isn’t the one you will be in forever, all this practice will prepare you for Mr./Ms. Right as well as prepare you to become Mr./Ms. Right.

For more on living your extraordinary life in every way, please visit Jane Straus’s web site, www.stopenduring.com. Read her articles, watch video excerpts of her seminars, listen to her free teleseminars, schedule a private coaching session, book Jane for a keynote, and order Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life.

Tags:dear jane, great love, intimacy, Jane Straus, love, mr. right, ms. right, partner, relationship, relationship advice, truth
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How to Overcome Procrastination

Friday, January 19th, 2007

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Why can’t I ever finish anything? Why do I procrastinate so much?

Most of us think we are simply lazy when we procrastinate. But the truth is that the cause of most procrastination isn’t laziness; it’s fear. We may be afraid that the task at hand is overwhelming or we may be afraid of failing at it. These are the two biggest fears that tend to keep us in approach/avoidance mode.

Here are five key ways to get past your resistance and get “it” done, whatever the “it” is:

1. Chunk it down. Find small ways to work on a project for a limited amount of time. Sharpen some pencils. Clean up your desk. Read some background material. Write one paragraph. Make one phone call. Look up one piece of information. Eat one healthy meal instead of snacking on junk food.
2. Reward yourself immediately for accomplishing something towards your goal. If you only reward yourself for completing something that feels huge, you are setting yourself up for feeling like a failure all along the way. Make sure your reward isn’t counterproductive. For example, if you want to become fit or lose weight, don’t reward yourself with chocolate cake. Instead, take time off for a walk or to watch a movie.
3. Set a new goal that is reasonable, attainable, and rewardable. Now you’re ready for the next step. If you committed to 15 minutes in Step 1, commit to 30 minutes this time. You may find that your ability to stick with a project increases as you get more invested in it.
4. Make a commitment to someone else that you will do what you say you want to do. Committing to others is a way of ensuring that we are answerable for our promises. Most of us find it easier to keep commitments to others than to ourselves.
5. Create an affirmation. It can be something like, “I now keep my commitments.” I now achieve my goals.” “I finish what I start.” “I no longer let fear stop me.” Affirmations are positive thoughts you are willing to begin believing for your highest good.

Commit to this five-step plan and you will have achieved what you set out to do and build your self-esteem in the process.

Tags:affirmations, avoidance, dear jane, fear of failure, goal setting, Jane Straus, procrastination
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What A Life Coach Can Do for You

Thursday, January 18th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
What is a life coach and how do I know if I need or want one?

What I do as a life coach is help my clients recognize and let go of the sabotaging thoughts and behaviors that have undermined their success, joy, and intimacy. We all have sabotaging thoughts and behaviors; sometimes it takes someone else to help us see them and to believe in us more than we believe in ourselves. So I’m also an energetic cheerleader and true believer. I will often see the possibilities for a client’s future before he or she can. My job is to inspire each person I work with to create an extraordinary vision and to become adept with the tools to create that vision.

Some life coaches specialize; however, I find that trying to draw the line between personal and professional issues feels arbitrary and artificial. The issues you have—whether it’s a fear of rejection, a self-judgment that you’re not good enough, or a belief that you’ll never be happy—won’t impact just part of your life; you will experience it everywhere.

By healing fear, self-judgment, and limiting beliefs, you will shift both personally and professionally. Your self-esteem will grow and your relationships with colleagues, friends, and family will feel healthier and deeper.

Tags:dear jane, Jane Straus, life coach, limiting beliefs, self sabotage, self-esteem, self-judgment
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Feeling Taken Advantage Of

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How do I let go of my feelings of being taken advantage of with regard to my salary?

When we feel taken advantage of, we are generally describing resentment. Resentment gets a grip on us if we haven’t acted on our own behalf in some way. (See Chapter 7 of Enough Is Enough!) Often, we need to speak up for ourselves by asking for what we think we deserve. However, this is where our fear of rejection may play into things.

What if we ask for a raise or attention or affection and we’re turned down? We may “play it safe” to avoid even the possibility of rejection. The problem with avoiding rejection is that we continually imagine the rejection so we’re living with it 24/7 anyway.

The saying, “We get what we resist,” has much truth to it. If we resist feeling rejection, we will inadvertently immerse ourselves in it. If we resist asking for what we think we deserve, we will immerse ourselves in not only anticipated rejection but also resentment. There is no way out; there is only a way through—and that is to have the courage to speak up for ourselves.

Even if we are rejected for asking for what we feel we deserve, we will have the self-respect that goes with acting with integrity. No one can give us our self-respect and integrity and no one can take them from us. They are gifts to ourselves. Don’t you deserve at least that?

Tags:dear jane, fear of rejection, Jane Straus, money, resentment
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How to Forgive and Let Go

Monday, January 15th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How do I forgive some family members for what they have done to me? I hate going to family events and skip the ones I can.

Often, we attempt to forgive because it would be more convenient for everyone concerned if we just hurried up and did it. Forgiveness, however, is a four-step process. In order to do it well and thoroughly, we don’t want to skip a step.

Step One: Acknowledge the wrong(s) done to you. Don’t sweep anything under the rug. Don’t minimize the transgressions.

Step Two: Give yourself compassion for the anger, betrayal, and hurt that accompany telling the truth to yourself. This is the step you really can’t rush. It may take a day to work through these feelings but, more likely, if you have ignored your feelings up until now or shamed yourself for having them, you will need time to honor the pain. How much time? You can’t put a stopwatch to your feelings. We tend to become stuck in feelings when we try to push them away, not when we give them their due. If you want to forgive others, have a pity party first, which is something I talk about in Enough Is Enough!

Step Three: Forgive yourself for any situation where you have not been your own best ally. Maybe you didn’t speak up when a family member was demeaning or insulting you. Maybe you cried when you wish you had said “Stop.” Maybe you even defended or excused their behavior by thinking, “Well, Aunt Mary was drunk when she said that so I can’t hold it against her.” Forgive yourself for not standing up for yourself.

Step Four: Notice what happens next. By doing the first three steps, you will feel less triggered by the transgressions. You won’t forget them; your Spirit just won’t feel a need to remind you that you have more healing work to do. If you are still upset by what someone has done to you, keep doing the first three steps. There may be more layers to the healing your Spirit requires.

Tags:dear jane, family, forgiveness, healing childhood wounds, healing process, Jane Straus, letting go
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Why can’t I stay with a resolution?

Saturday, January 13th, 2007

Sometimes we are more comfortable with our habits, as self-destructive as they may be, than with change. I’ve heard it said that it takes 30 days to create a new habit. That may not seem like a long time, but if you compare it to the years of behaving a certain way without giving it a second thought, 30 days is a long stretch of time for focusing awareness, intention, and action. Don’t minimize how much commitment it takes to implement permanent change. That way, when you do stick with your new commitment, you will have a well-deserved experience of accomplishment.
Sometimes our self-sabotage runs deep. We may think we want to lose weight, quit drinking, or start exercising but we may have underlying fears or limiting beliefs that keep us in a vicious circle:
1. I need to change
2. I want change
3. I am changing
4. I am afraid of changing
5. This change is too foreign for me/doesn’t fit my picture of myself/I’ll get rejected if I change too much/I’m scared
6. I am a failure at making this change
7. I need to change…

If the above sounds all-too-familiar to you, here are some important tips for making and keeping commitments:
1. Don’t commit out of guilt or embarrassment. Those feelings are fleeting and won’t take you the distance. Commit out of a true desire to build your self-esteem, maximize your health, or nurture your spirit in some way.
2. Tell someone else who is supportive about the commitment you are making. The more we put it out there, the more likely we are to keep an agreement with ourselves.
3. Do something every day towards your goal.
4. Don’t make excuses. If you slack off, admit it to yourself. Then forgive yourself immediately.
5. Reward yourself along the way. Remember that life is a journey, not a destination.

Tags:change, dear jane, fear, habits, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, New Year’s Resolutions, self sabotage
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How to Become Rich

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How do I get rich?

When this question was sent to me, I thought I’d pass on answering since 1) by American standards, I am middle class and 2) I am not a financial expert, although many of my clients have attained great wealth through our work together and by reading Enough Is Enough! But I’m just avoiding the question by giving you these disclaimers. So, here are my thoughts.
Decide what “rich” means for you. Is it a certain amount of money, a particular lifestyle, the ability to send your children to college, the guarantee that you’ll never need to look for a job, a yacht, a bigger yacht? Is it having a loving family, good friends? Does “rich” mean being able to be generous without having to blink? All of the above? If you decide on your definition and purpose, you are much more likely to find the drive and means to attain your goals.
Read books by experts on creating wealth. Knowledge is power. It is also motivating. I think that Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker is brilliant. Whether you decide to follow his recommendations or not, he will not let you off the hook about taking responsibility for your choices.
What are your limiting beliefs? What are some of the “poverty” thoughts you hold? Where did you get them? How do you perpetuate them? Do you believe you deserve any more than what you currently have? Would you be ashamed if you had more? Do you get something out of feeling like a victim of struggle?
Practice generosity, kindness, open-heartedness, and compassion. What do these have to do with wealth? Maybe nothing. There are many wealthy people who practice none of these. And there are many middle class and poor people who also practice none of these. So I throw them in for good measure. If you’re going to get rich, I ask you to consider enriching others’ lives in the process.

Tags:abundance, dear jane, deserve, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, manifesting, money, secrets of the millionaire mind, t. harv eker, wealth
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Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection

Wednesday, January 10th, 2007

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I have suffered with a paralyzing fear of rejection for most of my life. This leaves me unable to be as assertive in my private and professional life as I would like to be, and sometimes it is crippling. Intellectually I know I shouldn’t be so worried about what other people think, but the feelings are still there. How do I overcome this irrational feeling?

When you have a fear that is irrational, you can’t sit by the sidelines figuring it out. You need to take small steps towards your fear. What kinds of situations make you worry about rejection? List these. Then put them in order from least fearful to most fearful. Start with your least paralyzing situation and think of one action step you are willing to take that addresses the fear rather than letting it run you. When you have accomplished this, reward yourself in some way. Then take the next small step.

For example, if you are afraid to attend work-related parties but that isn’t as frightening as giving a talk in front of your colleagues, pick that one. You could go to the party with a friend. You could give yourself permission to leave after an hour if you’re not enjoying it. You could promise yourself you will talk to at least two or three people.

If you still feel crippled, speak with your doctor. There are medications for crippling social disorders. No matter what action you take, acknowledge yourself for your courage. What others may find easy is not easy for you. So give yourself credit for your efforts and remember to reward yourself.

To listen to my teleseminar or interview answering these types of questions, click http://blogtalkradio.com/hostpage.aspx?show_id=7364 or http://cherylmclaughlin.com/AskJaneStraus/vbtv3/replay

Tags:coping strategies, dear jane, fear of rejection, healing process, Jane Straus
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Protecting a Child from Family Members

Tuesday, January 9th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
My mother and I have not spoken for several years. I have no desire to reestablish a relationship with her, but I recently had a daughter of my own (she’s 3 months old) and I don’t think it’s fair to her to not know one of her grandparents. (She does spend time with my father.) I have legitimate concerns for the well being of my daughter spending time alone with my mom and stepfather, but feel I should give her the opportunity to establish a good relationship with them if it is possible. Should I wait until she’s older? How long is that?

It is time to transition from being your mother’s daughter to being your daughter’s mother. If you choose your mother over your daughter, would you perhaps be reenacting whatever betrayal you suffered? If you have legitimate concerns, why would you consider putting your daughter at risk in exchange for the hope that something won’t happen?

It sounds as though you haven’t really fully acknowledged the severity of whatever occurred that caused you to sever your relationship with your mother. In my experience, children don’t break off a relationship with a parent unless they have strong reason to do so. In Enough Is Enough, I address the importance of acknowledging the wrongs that were done to us so that we don’t re-create the same situation for our children and so that we can forgive at a deeper level.

You say you have no desire to reestablish a relationship with your mother. If that is the case, then let it go for now. Or see if you and your mother can work on your relationship with professional help. But do not use your daughter as a “peace offering.” If you want your daughter to have contact with her grandparents, be there with her. Don’t put a time limit on this arrangement. You are responsible for your daughter’s safety and your loyalty belongs with her, not with your mother.

Tags:adult children, betrayal, dear jane, family, forgiveness, Jane Straus, mothers, parenting, relationship
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