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Letting Go of A Destructive Love

Friday, December 15th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
How do you let go of a love you know is not good for you?

Being in love with the “wrong” person is the seed of so many poems, novels, films, plays—not to mention the core of much of our pain and longing. While I don’t know your particular situation, I can say that willing yourself not to love someone is very difficult. I’ve never known anyone who was successful at it. Just as falling in love is a mysterious phenomenon so is falling out of love. Both often happen when we least expect it. What you can do is treat yourself with dignity, respect, and care in the meantime.

In my life coaching practice, I often work with people desperate to let go of “unhealthy love.” The most important question to answer is: Are you self-destructive in the relationship? If so, recognize that what you are calling love is not love; it is an addiction. Addictions feel good in moments but we pay the price, feeling a loss of self-esteem, powerlessness, hopelessness, anxiety, and depression to name a few symptoms. While you may not be able to “fall out of love,” just as an alcoholic may not be able to simply quit drinking, you can seek professional help to get you through the withdrawal period.

Like any addiction, you have to be ready to end your attachment to the relationship to really let go. If you’re not ready, be truthful with yourself. See what value there still is for you in the relationship. You can still gain insight and grow within a negative relationship (as long as you are not being emotionally or physically abused). Most importantly, stop judging your feelings. It’s a waste of time and only adds to self-destructive behavior. Take a look in my book, Enough Is Enough!, Chapter 3, “Remove Your Blinders.” It will help you begin to trust that you will learn something of value from this pain, something that you will not forget once you are released from the longing.

About Jane
Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:addiction, dear jane, Jane Straus, love, relationship, relationship advice, self-judgment, unhealthy love
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Overcoming Your Fear of Public Speaking

Thursday, December 14th, 2006

Dear Jane,
How can I overcome my fear of public speaking?

Did you know that a survey showed that Americans fear public speaking more than they fear death? Since people who are afraid to speak in public believe they may die from stage fright, it’s a double whammy.

So first, take comfort in knowing you share a fear with most of the human race. This fear is often based on a fear of making a fool of ourselves, of being embarrassed, humiliated, or criticized. Underlying that may be a belief that we are not worthy of respect for voicing our thoughts. So the first step is to respect your own voice, your own thoughts, your own being regardless of others. This is no easy task but it is good practice whether you are ever in front of people or not. You can start by acknowledging your qualities. Make a list of them. Before you go up “on stage,” look at that list to remind yourself of who you really are. This may help you detach from the fearful outcome you dread.

There are other strategies you can try too. For instance, you can imagine your audience naked or in the bathroom. This brings them down a notch or two. You can also visualize success instead of imagining the worst-case scenario. Another trick that many nervous speakers use (I’ll include myself here) is to set up a presentation in an interactive way so you don’t have to speak “in a vacuum.” I am comforted by knowing what people are thinking and feeling during my presentation. So you can pose a question for your audience or tell them in advance that you encourage them to raise their hands to interrupt you.

The last suggestion I’ll give here is that you practice. Like any other skill, the less you resist it and the more you do it, the more comfortable you will become. You will also admire yourself more for saying “boo” back to your fear, which I talk about in Enough Is Enough (Chapter 5)!

Finally, remember to hang out in Classroom Earth, not Courtroom Earth (Chapter 2), which means that you no longer act as the judge, jury, and executioner of yourself. Classroom Earth is where you get to learn, practice, and make mistakes in a supportive environment.

Now speak up!

Tags:coping strategies, dear jane, fear, fear of failure, Jane Straus, public speaking, success, worthiness
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Healing Your Shame

Friday, December 1st, 2006

.: Play Now | Play in Popup | Downloads 186

Dear Jane,
What is the difference between guilt and shame?

It’s invaluable to discern the difference between guilt and shame so that we can respond appropriately in situations and can ask others to respond to us appropriately and fairly also. It’s also vital that we know whether we are feeling bad because of something we have done or because we have simply gotten into the habit of feeling bad.

Guilt is something our conscience compels us to feel when we have acted in a way that is not in alignment with our own moral compass. If we believe in being honest and we lie, we will feel guilty (even if we justify it as a “white lie” to ourselves or others). If we believe in the Golden Rule, “Do unto others…,” we will feel guilty if we treat someone disrespectfully or unfairly. In guilt, we feel bad about what we have done, not who we are. We are able to distinguish between the goodness of who we fundamentally are and the mistake we have made that requires correction/amends/asking forgiveness.

Shame is a different experience. When we feel shame, it is not for what we have done, not for a particular behavior, but for who we are. When in shame, we want to hide; we feel that we don’t deserve love or respect. Shame is often a pervasive experience that we don’t recognize within ourselves. Shame can feel quite “normal.”

When we feel ashamed, we emit a certain aura/vibe/energy. Others who pick up on this energy may misinterpret it and assume that we have behaved badly, causing them to overreact or for us to believe we deserve excessive punishment. We may not recognize the ways we carry and show our shame and wonder why others are so hard on us. This is how others mirror our beliefs about ourselves and why it’s so important to heal our shame.

Shame can cause us to continue to act in ways that lead us to feeling guilty. So guilt and shame are part of a vicious cycle. How can we heal our shame?

1. The first step in breaking the cycle is learning to discern between guilt and shame. The following are the chief symptoms of shame. If you can identify with even one of these points, you are likely to be living in shame.
• Comparing ourselves to others and finding ourselves always falling short
• Embarrassment when we receive compliments
• A general sense of unworthiness
• Distrust that others truly like us or respect us—“waiting for the other shoe to drop” in every relationship
• Accepting excessive blame—more than a situation warrants
• Continually behaving in ways that go against our own standards of behavior
• Feeling bad about certain thoughts, even when we have no intention of acting on these thoughts

2. The second step is to look at your recent “wrongs” objectively. What triggered those behaviors? What did you do about rectifying your actions? Did you over-apologize? Did you allow someone to verbally or physically punish you for your behavior? If you overcompensated in any way, then you are carrying shame, not just guilt, and you are doing yourself harm.

3. The third step is to retrace your path to where the shame started. Often, shame starts in childhood when a trusted adult shames us for something outside of our control: our sexuality, our intelligence, the way we spoke or dressed, a behavior we didn’t know wasn’t okay. Children soak up shame easily.

4. See the past with your adult eyes. Would you want to shame a child for what you feel shameful about? Let the child within you know that it was not his/hers to carry and that you release him/her from the shame now.

Tags:adult children, dear jane, deserve, guilt, healing childhood wounds, Jane Straus, shame, worthiness
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It’s a B*tch Being Conscious

Tuesday, November 28th, 2006

.: Play Now | Play in Popup | Downloads 219

Do you ever feel that it takes more work, more out of you emotionally, to live a conscious life than it did to live less-than-consciously? Many years ago I had a T-shirt made with the saying, It’s A Bitch Being Conscious. I wore it on the first day of my Journey Into Ecstasy workshop intensive because I could count on it to evoke instant, knowing laughter from all the participants.

So why do we do it? Why do we keep working on ourselves when it takes so much effort, when we’d sometimes rather be zoned out, pour a cold one, light up a joint or cigarette, or grab the remote? Why do we put ourselves through seeming torture for no guaranteed rewards, sometimes paying a hefty price for the privilege of doing so? Are we just masochists disguised as seekers and healers? Is ignorance perhaps, if not the best policy, at least a better one than relentless self-examination? Who is it that said that the unexamined life is not worth living? A lot of people might disagree.

I know that I’m supposed to answer these rhetorical, “teaser” questions for you in this paragraph. I’m supposed to justify and validate all your hard work, the money you spend on coaching, therapy, workshops, and books, the courage you’ve mustered to face your demons. But you know, I don’t know why anyone does it.

When my coaching clients express how hard this work sometimes is all I can do is smile, agree, and cheerlead. I say things like, “Doesn’t clarity feel better than confusion?” “Doesn’t feeling your emotions feel better than walking around numb?” Sometimes they give in and admit that they like living in an aware and awakened state. Sometimes they give me the look that lets me know I’m skating on thin ice, that their answer just might be a resounding “No!” if I weren’t so chipper.

I can relate. I like the temporary high that blaming and playing the victim provide so well. Blaming feeds my ego and playing the victim allows me to relinquish responsibility for my life. Who wouldn’t say, “Bring it on!”

But once the high leaves, I’m stuck with all my hangover symptoms: depression, lower self-esteem, helplessness, and hopelessness. I wake up and see in the mirror someone who traded the excitement of possibility for the drudgery of inevitability, someone who is stuck in a rut, reading from a very boring script, complaining often and loudly. I see someone who, while familiar, is less than admirable.

Kicking and screaming, or at least whining, I stop the chatter and remind that face in the mirror what the goal of consciousness is: happiness. I tell myself that I am more than the sum of my fears, self-judgments, and limiting beliefs. I quiet the chatter long enough to hear my spirit’s whispers. And when I persevere, I do occasionally stumble onto great and unexpected joy. More often, I find myself feeling at least a small measure of peace. I’m grateful for that. Is it all worth it? I guess each of us needs to answer that question for ourselves.

Tags:conscious life, dear jane, happiness, healing process, hopelessness, Jane Straus, listening to spirit, personal growth, spirit, unconscious energy
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Ten Ways to Enjoy Your Holiday Season More

Monday, November 20th, 2006

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The holidays can be a mix of renewing connections and being reminded of old wounds. If you are approaching the season with both excitement and dread, keep these pointers in mind. They will help ensure that you leave family gatherings with the kind of memories you want to recall.

*Talk to yourself before a family gathering
Remind yourself that you are inherently worthy of respect and kindness and that you don’t need to prove yourself at this time of year. Promise yourself that if you slip into defending yourself, your mate, your children, your job, or your appearance with those you have a history of trying to prove yourself to, you will stop as soon as you notice you are being goaded. You can even say out loud, “I don’t want to spend my time or energy defending myself or others. Let’s find a way to talk more productively (or kindly).”

*Keep reminders close at hand of how you are valued
During the other 50 weeks a year, you are often appreciated by those in your daily life. If you are celebrating away from home, bring emails, notes, or letters that contain compliments or loving sentiments, pictures of those who are your support system, and a book that lifts you spiritually and helps you stay above the fray.

*Write a new affirmation every day and repeat it constantly
An affirmation is a positive thought you choose to immerse into your consciousness for a desired result. An example might be, “I appreciate and acknowledge my own strengths.” Or a good one might be, “I now give to myself what I think I need from others.” This could include understanding, compassion, respect, or joy.

*Don’t talk behind others’ backs
Gossip feeds upon itself. If you don’t want it done to you, don’t participate in it. This commitment will help you feel self-respect when you look in the mirror.

*Don’t use the holidays as a time to try to heal past hurts

Being around family can trigger old wounds. But too many people, too little time, too much alcohol, and too much pressure are ingredients for disaster, not mending relationships. If you are harboring resentments, talk about them ahead of time or after the holidays are over. Don’t get caught up in the moment and let loose. It will just make next year’s holiday time that much harder.

*Use win/win communications
You don’t have to stoop to anyone else’s level. If someone in your family behaves badly, try not to name call but promise yourself you will stand up for yourself and tell them how you feel about their behavior.

*Set limits about what’s acceptable for yourself in advance
What are some likely uncomfortable or painful scenarios you will be facing? You don’t have to cross your fingers that nothing will happen, especially if fighting or belittling has been one of your family’s holiday traditions. Decide in advance how you will handle these situations and at what point you will respond rather than ignore, take a break rather than endure, or even walk away.

*Take some time for yourself
We all need to regroup and get centered again. Most of us aren’t accustomed to being surrounded by company 24/7 and our spirits need a break. Go for a walk or drive, read a book, take a nap, or do an errand BY YOURSELF. Take in your surroundings in more detail. While you are alone, don’t rehash past conversations. Do an affirmation instead.

*Shop from your heart
Let go of trying to “balance the books,” figuring out what to get others according to criteria such as what they got you last year or how much they spent. Let your heart find the perfect gift that reflects their specialness without putting you into the endurance of deepening debt.

*Be generous with what matters
Offering compliments, listening well, giving of your time, helping with chores—all of your efforts will make you not only a welcome member of your group but will help you to keep your heart open.

No one can guarantee that this holiday will be the best one ever. But you can decide to stop enduring and make this season your lead-in to a new, extraordinary year.

Tags:adult children, affirmations, dear jane, family, healing childhood wounds, holidays, Jane Straus, resentments, self-love, worthiness
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Facing Our Own Hypocrisy

Sunday, November 5th, 2006

Dear Jane,
I’d like to know what you think about political scandals such as Ted Haggard and Larry Craig being “outed” as homosexuals? Or Scooter Libby lying about outing Valerie Plame?

When I read Congressional confessions of closeted homosexuality, infidelity, or use of illegal drugs, my first reaction is righteous indignation that others’ hypocrisies are coming to light. I tend to get hopeful that when hypocrisy sees the light of day, we human beings reap the benefit in terms of greater justice and equality.

But I have to admit that there is a darker side to my finger pointing. What I savor is the sweet revenge, which I suspect says something about me and maybe about all of us. Just as presumably a politician is humiliated by exposure of indiscretions, don’t we all have hypocrisies that would publicly humiliate us if exposed? Yes, politicians’ hypocrisies have great influence over the White House, the campaign agenda, and public policy, but don’t our individual hypocrisies also influence others?

If we tell our children to abstain from alcohol and drugs but hide our own chemical histories or current use/abuse, what impact does that have? We may argue that we want them to do as we say, not as we do. But could a politician caught with his/her hand in the cookie jar make that same argument?

If we use an illegal substance but are glad for the arrest of street corner drug dealers, doesn’t this hypocrisy have an impact? Aren’t our prisons overflowing with people who may have touched the contents of that little plastic baggie hidden in our underwear drawer? Even if we don’t support harsh punishment for drug dealing, doesn’t our participation reinforce the problem?

If we are calling an end to war with Iraq but continue to consume half of the world’s fossil fuels, much of it for jetting to distant vacation spots or filling up our SUVs, isn’t there just the teeniest bit of hypocrisy in this?

If we pride ourselves for buying organic fruits and vegetables but demand that they be available year round, hurting both local farmers as well as requiring enormous amounts of fuel to get them to the nearest Whole Foods store, isn’t there something for us to examine?

Of course, I can go on and on with this list but my point isn’t to shame us. My point is to acknowledge that all our hypocrisy causes damage. Rather than cast stones at one another, we could take the hypocrisies and downfalls of politicians as an opportunity to look more deeply into ourselves. We could remove our own veils of hypocrisy, acknowledge our own falls from grace, tell more truths about who we really are, change whatever behaviors we don’t like in ourselves, forgive others for their trespasses and ourselves for ours, and go about living life more consciously and compassionately.

This is my take away from scandals. What’s yours?

Tags:compassion, dear jane, hypocrisy, Jane Straus, justice, shame, truth
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Creating Abundance Through Trust

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Dear Jane,
I know I have fears about money which probably keep me from having more money. But how do I break this vicious cycle?

How do we trust enough to trust? It’s a koan or at least a dilemma. My friend James told me how he recently worked with his fears and limiting beliefs around money.

For six years he had been “at a loss”—literally, unable to figure out why he was living in poverty while everyone around him seemed to manifest abundance so easily. A few weeks ago, he decided to stop asking why and started to simply “walk the walk” of abundance. It started with his awareness that he was out of integrity with himself and his church. His church asks its members to agree to tithe 10% of their earnings to charity. Although he had made the agreement, he had been skimping, telling himself that he didn’t have enough money for food or rent so how could he possibly give 10%?

When he confronted this, he made a decision to tithe 10% anyway, even if it meant going hungry. He made one other behavioral change to stop reinforcing his fear of lack. He stopped letting his gas tank get dangerously close to empty or even running out of gas. From the moment he stopped letting the fear of lack control him, his business began to boom. Within two weeks, he was booked with work for the next three months and has since given the overflow to other contractors.

So how do we trust enough to trust God/the Universe? This is where faith and “working in concert” come in. Faith means allowing God/the Universe to provide even though we can’t know ahead of time how things will work out. Faith is trusting, even with our fears and limiting beliefs. Working in concert means not sabotaging God/the Universe through behaviors that reinforce our fears and limiting beliefs. As I write about in Enough Is Enough!, working in concert means acting as if—as if we have perfect faith, as if it will all work out, as if we can help ourselves and others even when we don’t see how.

This is what James did by tithing and by filling up his gas tank. He behaved as if his fears and limiting beliefs didn’t have to be true or run the show anymore. I acknowledge James for his hard-won mastery of trust. He is an inspiration to me and I hope to you as well.

Tags:abundance, dear jane, faith, fear, Jane Straus, lack consciousness, limiting beliefs, manifesting, money, trust
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Free Seminar: Receiving

Saturday, October 21st, 2006

What an evening! Over thirty of us at the TangoDiva Salon/Seminar laughed and cried together as we went beneath our resentments, recognized our painful self-judgments, and committed to remembering that these self-judgments are real but not true. I’ll have the video from the evening edited and on the website so that you won’t miss a thing!

Feels like a lot of people I am working with lately are feeling isolated, alone, and stretched emotionally, particularly as the holidays loom. If this describes you or anyone you know, let’s do something together. If you would like to host a free evening seminar in your home (in the Bay Area), let me know. If you’d like to attend, let me know! I’ll offer a powerful and uplifting seminar for everyone ready to greet the holidays and new year with a more open heart and lighter spirit. Let’s connect as a reminder that we’re not alone, that others are willing to share our burdens, and that we can heal in the presence of compassionate support.

Tags:compassion, dear jane, holidays, Jane Straus, receiving, self-judgment
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Letting Go of Seething Resentment

Sunday, October 15th, 2006

.: Play Now | Play in Popup | Downloads 256

Dear Jane,
I don’t know if it’s fair to say that I “suffer” from road rage but I do resent the way a lot of people drive. My children don’t like that I’m always cussing people out and I realize I’m not being a great role model of ‘live and let live.’ How can I get a handle on this seething resentment that seems to come out at strangers?

As much as you don’t want to feel resentful and angry, you need to see it as a clue. Underlying every resentment is a disguised regret. So resentment provides an opportunity to heal.
Here’s one brief example of how I worked with my own road rage: I was cutting it close getting to an appointment and, sure enough, a driver pulled out in front of me and then drove ever so slowly. I found myself seething with resentment as each tenth of a mile passed. Although I didn’t scream or honk, I thought, “You idiot. You’re making me late. If it weren’t for you, I would have gotten there on time.”
While this may be true, I was certainly not creating inner or outer peace as steam was coming out of my ears. So I forced myself to go deeper to examine what my regret might be. To my surprise, my regrets began to unfold in layers from superficial to visceral. They were:
I regret making someone else late because of me.
I regret cutting things so close and feeling stressed.
I regret acting as though I’m not important enough to leave enough time for things in my life.
I regret believing I’m not important enough.
That last one struck me hardest—in my heart and gut. I was sad about it but relieved too. It was a relief to know that I could go from cursing at a stranger on the road to learning that I still need practice valuing myself more.
Healing from resentment is always the same: Look for the deepest, truest regret, which will likely contain an old self-judgment. Forgive yourself for how you have treated yourself and/or others as a result of holding this self-judgment. Then give yourself compassion.

Tags:anger, dear jane, Jane Straus, regret, resentment, self-judgment, self-worth
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Courtroom Earth v. Classroom Earth

Friday, October 6th, 2006

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In Enough Is Enough!, I talk about what it’s like to think of our environment as a courtroom v. a classroom and how to consciously choose hanging out in the latter. Yet, I’m finding just how habitual it is to forget that I have a choice of where to be.

Sometimes I’m in the Courtroom, acting as my own judge, jury (and executioner) and I don’t even realize it. What about you? Do you find yourself being driven, addicted to more and more evidence to prove that you are worthy? Then do you end up tired, resentful, frustrated, short tempered, with an even greater urge to control and do?

This is my trickiest survival strategy and where I end up enduring the most. It’s tricky because I don’t realize I’m in endurance until my symptoms cause me such great discomfort that I can’t help but notice. Even then, it’s not always easy to just put the brakes on. But I’m committed to doing so.

Here’s what “putting the brakes on” means to me today:
1. Reminding myself that I am worthy and deserving and so is everyone else.
2. Taking some deep breaths. I know this sounds so simple but, even as a breathwork teacher, I can forget to do this.
3. Taking a walk, calling a friend, walking my dog along the waterfront, playing a game with my daughter.
4. Asking for help. This is huge for me.

I think that the first remedy, reminding myself that I am worthy, is the most important. With this reminder, I find myself more willing to commit to the other three remedies, which leads me to thriving, not just surviving.

Tags:dear jane, deserve, enduring, Jane Straus, thriving, worthiness, worthy
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