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Some Thoughts on Gratitude

Friday, September 29th, 2006

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I received two wonderful emails recently. One was from a teacher of underprivileged teens. He is helping his students, who have no books and must rely on the Internet for materials, study for the SAT. He wrote to thank me for offering my grammar and punctuation rules for free on my other web site, www.grammarbook.com. This email was a lovely reminder that our wealth is not just our money or what we do; it is our knowledge, our wisdom, our compassion, and our love. And the greatest joy comes from sharing our wealth, not accumulating it.

The other email was from my friend who rescues me whenever I have trouble with my computer. Yesterday, after fixing a problem, he sent a test email. In it, he wrote, “thank you.” Confused, I emailed him back asking what he was thanking me for since he had helped me. He wrote back that he wasn’t thanking me; he was using the test email as an opportunity to thank himself. What a guru of gratitude he is. When we share our gifts generously, we don’t have to wait for anyone else to notice or acknowledge us. So go ahead and send yourself an email of gratitude. Perhaps this simple act of self-acknowledgment will inspire you to share your gratitude for others. Don’t hold back, not today.

About Jane
Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:dear jane, gratitude, Jane Straus, wealth
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The Key to Finding Hope

Saturday, September 23rd, 2006

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This was a busy day. I’m sure you understand. So when I received two emails each from Amnesty International and the International Rescue Committee imploring me to contact my senators and urge them to support sending UN peacekeeping forces to Darfur, rather than call I felt annoyed, put out, guilted.

And then I thought for a moment. Here are millions of people suffering unspeakable horrors and this is a cause I’ve supported and spoken publicly about and I’m annoyed? What’s really going on here?

I realized that my annoyance was a cover up. What I really felt was helpless and hopeless. For all the spotlighting of this genocide, for all the petitions signed by hundreds of thousands, for all the rallies, the situation in Darfur has gotten worse, not better. What I was really thinking was, “What difference will two more phone calls make, especially to senators who probably already support increasing aid to the Darfur region?”

Then I realized what a luxury it was for me to feel helpless and hopeless while hundreds of thousands of people are being tortured, raped, starved, and murdered. How dare I do nothing because I choose to believe that I can’t do enough?

I’ve spent today forgiving myself for wallowing in hopelessness. The day’s not over and I’m not done yet. I still have more to forgive and two senators to contact. How are you spending your busy day?

Tags:dear jane, gratitude, hopelessness, how to make time, Jane Straus, self-forgiveness, time energy
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Getting Over Your Anger and Rage

Monday, September 18th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
How do I know if my anger is over the top or if it’s justified? Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode! I know that other people are afraid of me—especially my kids. Sometimes, I’m afraid of myself so I can’t blame them.

First of all, we have probably all experienced rage, whether it’s in the form of being so mad we can’t see straight, having a murderous fantasy, or being afraid we will just “go crazy” if we let out the anger. The distinction between rage-aholism and feeling enraged is not so much the internal experience as the external behaviors. In other words, there is a difference between feeling rage and raging.

Here’s how you can know if your anger is over the top or if it is simply one of the many emotions in your repertoire:

1. Has your anger gotten you in trouble at work, in your close relationships, or with the law?
2. Do you often need to apologize for your out-of-control behaviors in order to get back in the good graces of others?
3. Do you make promises to control your temper and then find yourself unable to keep these promises?
4. Do you feel a momentary rush of power when others are afraid of you?
5. Are you afraid that you’re a ticking time bomb?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may already realize that you have anger issues that need to be dealt with. You are not alone!

The best way to start managing your anger successfully is to stop blaming anyone else for blowing up at them. If you can do this, you are on the road to recovery. As long as you blame, you will feel powerless. And feeling powerless can actually fuel rage. You do have the power to manage your feelings. In fact, you’re the only one who has that power. Don’t abdicate it.

Secondly, anger is a secondary emotion. Underneath anger you will find that you really feel fear, hurt, and/or guilt. So practice checking in with yourself when you’re spitting mad. What were you feeling before you got to that point? It is much easier to handle these feelings than to try to manage your rage once you’ve reached your tipping point.

Thirdly, anger and rage can be coping strategies learned in childhood. If you were humiliated or abused, you may harbor vast amounts of rage. As I write about in Enough Is Enough!, compassion is key. Give yourself plenty of compassion for how you were treated as a child. Don’t minimize the abuse or the effects on your life today. The less denial you hold, the less rage you will also hold. You might consider professional help to release your pent-up feelings safely and supportively. Then recognize that coping strategies may help you survive but they don’t help you thrive. Coping strategies are remnants from when you had no other choices. But they are also immature and therefore not very handy now.

Fourthly, remember that all attempts to thrive require the courage to drop our survival strategies. Even if you don’t yet handle every situation with equanimity, give yourself credit where credit is due. And apologize when you err. We often have to stumble before we become graceful with new behaviors.

Finally, set your sights high. Think of someone whose temperament you admire. Let yourself aspire to be more like them. How do they behave? You will probably notice that they are less defensive and reactive. They may take criticism without acting as though they have any less self-esteem. They may be assertive rather than aggressive. They may have a sense of humor that defuses tension. Whatever it is that you admire about how they handle themselves, practice that behavior. Walk the walk and talk the talk until it becomes more comfortable. Sooner than you might dare imagine, you will identify yourself with this new way of behaving. The goal is to become a person you admire. Or as one bumper sticker says, “Become the person your dog thinks you are.”

Tags:adult children, anger, blame, coping strategies, dear jane, fear, hurt, Jane Straus, rage
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(Re)Kindling Your Passion for Your Work and Your Life

Friday, July 28th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
I wake up every weekday morning dreading the upcoming day. I’ve got a good job and a loving family and should feel grateful. What’s wrong with me?

Most of us have woken up occasionally to a feeling of dread or anxiety, wishing we were facing a different day ahead of us. But if this is how you feel most mornings, wishing you had a different life, you are suffering from burnout. Burnout is the result of enduring for too long and is debilitating to your spirit. The good news is that it’s curable.

When you are in burnout, you may feel a whole host of symptoms, including:
• Depression
• Restlessness
• Anxiety
• Addiction
• Hopelessness
• Chronic illness or pain
• Lack of motivation
• Stuck in a rut
• Fantasizing having a different life or even being a different person

Then there are the additional, perhaps surprising, symptoms of burnout that deserve your attention:
• Cynicism – When you feel jaded about your work, your clients, your colleagues, or your contributions to others, you are experiencing one of the most serious symptoms of burnout. When we are excited about our lives, we don’t tend to feel cynical.
• Boredom – Having little interest in your work or your life can lead to running out of motivation entirely. You can delude yourself into thinking that you are bored because of the outside world. But prolonged boredom is a smokescreen to avoid facing the risks we need to take to feel more fulfilled.
• Confusion – Not being able to make up your mind can happen when you don’t give yourself the highest options to choose from. We must aim for what our spirit really aspires to in order to get clarity.
• Jealousy –Jealousy is what you feel when you think you can’t have or don’t deserve what someone else has. It’s a clue that you have a limiting belief that is keeping you in a rut. To overcome jealousy, we need to commit to ourselves to create a life that is remarkable on our own terms.
• Low Self-Esteem – If someone else thinks you’re great but you can’t feel it about yourself or you can’t take in compliments, it may be because you’re not doing what you really need to in order to thrive. Sometimes we have to practice thriving behaviors even before we believe we deserve to.
• Defensiveness – You will react most strongly to criticisms that mirror your own self-judgments. When you judge yourself, you automatically put yourself in a prison of endurance. Take note of the criticisms you pile on yourself every day. They probably sound something like, “I’m too fat/stupid/afraid/old to succeed/be happy/find a partner/make enough money.” There is an ancient Buddhist saying, “No enemy can harm us as much as our own thoughts.” Rather than defend ourselves, we can focus on self-encouragement rather than self-judgment.
• Impatience – When you are short with others, it is a clue that you’re unhappy with your life in some way. Maybe you think people talk too slowly, or you get road rage, or you jump on your partner or kids for slight infractions. It’s time to ask yourself if what you are really feeling impatient about is some aspect of your life. Are you tired of waiting for something better to happen? Impatience can work for us when we heed its message, which is to evaluate our circumstances and make new commitments to ourselves.
• Frustration – Annoyance with things that aren’t within your control is a symptom of deeper dissatisfactions. If so, quick fixes won’t work. Instead, address the root cause of your burnout, which is that your spirit is not being nurtured enough. Sometimes, when we are afraid of making changes, we will try to focus on the small stuff. But isn’t it better to act on our dreams and aspirations?

So once you recognize your symptoms of burnout and you are motivated to thrive, how do you “go for it”? Answer these questions honestly and follow the suggestions that you are drawn to:

Question: If you felt passion for your life or your work at one time but don’t feel it now, what has changed? What did you love about your work/life at one time? Suggestion: Perhaps you’ve changed and evolved. Perhaps what was true for you five or ten years ago is no longer current. Stop blaming yourself for any discontent. Instead, be respectful and check in with what your spirit longs for now.

Question: If you’ve never felt passion for your life or your work, why not?
Suggestion: Maybe you chose a profession or lifestyle based on others’ expectations instead of your own. Or maybe the work or life you chose was based on unrealistic fantasies. Prioritize your criteria for a satisfying life. What do you imagine would make you happy? Try out scenarios and see if they work for you. For example, if you like the outdoors, volunteer as a trail guide for a short stint. If you are artistic, become an apprentice to a graphics designer or take an art class.

Question: Do you feel at home in your environment or are you like a fish out of water?
Suggestion: Take a personality style assessment to find out if you are a Director, Promoter, Analyzer, or Supporter. A good life coach can help you interpret the results. Each style has its needs, wants, and most conducive environments for thriving. You deserve to have a life aligned with your style instead of fighting it.

Question: What self-judgments are keeping you from creating a more extraordinary life?
Suggestion: Respond to your self-judgment with an affirmation that you are willing to believe but do not yet hold as true. An affirmation can start with, “Although I have believed I’m too old to find a partner, I am now willing to create a loving relationship.” Affirmations are commitments to yourself that counter negative beliefs.

Question: What limiting beliefs are stopping you from living a richer life?
Suggestion: Limiting beliefs are often taught to us as children. We assume, from our child’s perspective, that they are true, so they often go untested. Examples of common limiting beliefs: “You can’t trust people. You can’t have what you want. No one is really happy. Your happiness doesn’t matter.” Think about what you have believed about the world that is self-defeating. Be willing to question your own authority or the authority of those who taught you these “facts.”

Question: Do you worry about what will happen to your significant relationships if you stop enduring and start manifesting your dreams?
Suggestion: There are consequences to making changes in your life. But if you hold yourself back out of fear, you may get what you are avoiding anyway. For example, if you fear that someone in your life will reject you if you make changes, aren’t you going to isolate more anyway if you become more miserable and fear driven? Our fears are based on the past and the future, not on the present. If you stay focused on what your spirit is telling you in the present, the company you will be keeping will be the company you want to keep. Why? Because you will have become the company you want to keep!

Question: Do you let obstacles like lack of money or possible failure stop you?
Suggestion: These obstacles present opportunities to persevere. Endurance is what you do when you are not listening to your spirit. Perseverance is what you do when you stay focused on your goals. Roadblocks can strengthen your resolve. You probably wouldn’t want what you want if it were too easy. Your spirit is drawn to challenges.

Question: Does fear in general hold you back?
Suggestion: Do one thing that requires courage and moves you toward one of your spirit’s aspirations. Maybe that means taking a class, getting a personal coach, applying for a job, reading a self-help book, or signing up with an internet dating service. Taking steps to address your fears will rightly build your self-esteem. Get support to meet your fears head on.

Question: Do you feel selfish when you even begin to focus on yourself this way?
Suggestion: Remember that energy rubs off on other people. If you are unhappy, burned out, feeling victimized by life, what do you really have to offer others? Committing to making your own life more remarkable is a gift that keeps on giving. You will be much more present and useful to others when you have said yes to fulfilling your own highest goals and aspirations.

It is time to say “Enough is enough!” to endurance, marking time, and burnout. Once you do, you may find that obstacles that once appeared insurmountable now fall away. When you commit to yourself, you are bound to:

• find resources to help you on your path
• carve out time that you didn’t know you had
• tweak something small that turns out to make an enormous difference
• have more fun than you imagined possible
• discover some hidden creativity
• inspire others

The decision to stop enduring and to (re)kindle your passion is an act of profound courage. But if you don’t want your epitaph to read, “Here lies ______. He/she finished everything on the To Do list,” then listen to yourself now. You are worthy of that and so is everyone who will benefit from your choosing to live a more extraordinary life.

Tags:affirmations, burnout, dear jane, endurance mode, enduring, fear, Jane Straus, jealousy, limiting beliefs, low self esteem, spirit
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The Value of Friendship

Saturday, June 24th, 2006

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Although most people don’t consider themselves isolated or friendless, 1/4 of Americans say they don’t have even a single close friend (according to a study reported in USA Today, June 23, 2006). This is a change from just 20 years ago when only 10% reported having no close friendships. Maybe our expectations have changed. Maybe we don’t expect friends to take the time to listen or to have the skills to help us reflect on our problems. But if not, why not?
In the 1970’s my husband was on the baseball team at Stanford and when the team traveled to another university for a game, the guys spent their time on the bus talking together. About what? He doesn’t remember. But there was nothing else for them to do. Without ipods and laptops, these guys were forced to use each other to pass the time and build the camaraderie that cemented friendships he has to this day.
He went back for a Stanford reunion last year and saw something that alarmed him: When the football team got off the bus, they weren’t talking or laughing; they were all plugged into ipods. None of them seemed connected with each other. He imagined they spent the entire duration of the trip alone in their own world of music rather than goofing around, strategizing, learning more about each other, in other words, creating bonds that would last beyond their time as college athletes. He felt saddened for them. How would kids from the suburbs and those from blighted urban areas bridge the gap among themselves if they didn’t find more common ground than what was underneath their feet during a game?
How does technology affect our friendships and even our ability to know how to be a good friend? If what used to be a natural alignment such as teammates can be broken by a pocket-sized white rectangle that puts us in a bubble, how are we to reach out or be reached out to? Even taking the bus to work used to involve seeing the same people every day, affording us an opportunity to reach out to our neighbors and develop connections. Today, on a typical bus ride during commute hours, more than likely we will be on our cell phone or plunking at our laptop keyboard, using the bus as our mobile office (or catching up on sleep). We’re working longer and harder and the price we pay is increased isolation.
With online chat rooms and dating services, text messaging, and email, we can “exclude the wrong people” and avoid “wasting time.” But how many of us who are happy in a relationship would have picked our mates out of a line up? Did we really end up using the criteria we had in our minds or on paper? Does our partner really look or always behave like our wish list? Who are we overlooking by not taking the time to have a cup of coffee but instead choosing to not “wink” back at?
What can we do about this trend? And do we want to do it? Is it simply more efficient to pay for therapy or coaching? The problem with relying solely on “professional friendship” is that they are not there when you need someone to pick up your child from school because your boss wants you to stay late or the car breaks down. And unfortunately, you might be afraid to bother even those you consider friends if you haven’t taken the time to nurture these relationships. Needing something in an emergency becomes an embarrassment instead of part of the pact of friendship.
But even beyond emergencies, we owe it to ourselves to have at least one or two people who are available to us without having to whip out our appointment calendars. It takes conscious effort these days. We may not live in walking distance of that special friend. We have jobs and chores and families that demand so much of our time and focus. But we need friendship perhaps today more than ever.
The fewer outside friendships, the more pressure we put on mates, who are as ill prepared and time crunched as everyone else. Many of my clients fight with their significant others more about communication or lack of it than about sex, money, or children. They complain that they never get to the real issues because they can’t find the time to talk to each other or don’t feel listened to, resulting in escalating arguments rather than solutions. Couples sometimes schedule an appointment with me just to carve out the uninterrupted time to talk or to have a mediator who will keep them from hurting each other’s feelings. My work is about teaching them to listen better, to feed back each other’s words so that they each know they are being heard objectively, and to communicate more sensitively. This takes practice –lots of it, practice we are deprived of increasingly in our technological wonderland.
So it isn’t just technology that is the problem. One of technology’s side effects is the dwindling of our social skills. It takes more than just time to be a good listener; it takes skill. One has to learn to focus one’s attention on someone else to discern and help with underlying feelings that might be too painful or embarrassing to reveal immediately. This can’t be done via text messaging or email. It is tricky enough to do on the phone when we can’t see someone’s face. Without practice or the expectation from one another that we provide this, we lose both the ability and the commitment to provide the glue that binds us as something more than acquaintances. Without deep and intimate friendships, we end up enduring, stewing in our own juices of self-doubt and self-criticism.
Nurturing friendships requires changing our routine: unplugging from the TV and computer, picking up the phone instead of emailing, sharing meals together, setting up “play dates” just as we do for kids, and most of all, slowing down long enough to listen.
If these words speak to you, call (don’t email) your friends today, acknowledge them for something, thank them for gracing you with their loyalty. A true friend is both an investment and a treasure.

Tags:communication, dear jane, friend, friendship, Jane Straus, relationship, technology
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Compassion In Action

Friday, June 16th, 2006

When I grew up in San Francisco and then went to school at U.C. Davis during the sixties and early seventies, social activism (anti-war, anti-nuke, feminism, ecology, universal healthcare) was part of the fabric of my life. But I remember my discomfort sitting around the table strategizing with my comrades, using the vocabulary and tactics of war. We pumped ourselves up for political “fights” and strategized about how to “trounce the enemy,” often late at night with alcohol infused adrenaline. In other words, we were brainwashing ourselves the way soldiers are brainwashed–to think of ourselves as good, noble, and just and to think of anyone who thought differently as evil and unenlightened. We would bring enlightenment to them, of course, through our rhetoric, our righteous indignation, and the purity of our beliefs.
As much as I believed in the causes I worked so hard for–and still do believe in them–something was wrong with this picture, as they say. Something was missing for me. Never much of a drinker and lacking the natural bravado or self-assuredness of my fellow progressives, I felt different and slowly, almost invisibly, extricated myself from their midst. I felt ashamed of myself for abandoning them and the causes but, because I couldn’t name what my discomfort was, I assumed it was something in me that was lacking. No longer on the front lines, I continued to support causes by quietly writing checks.
I’ve had 25 years to consider my actions and inactions and where I fit into social and political action today. I’ve uncovered what was missing for me: the awareness that we are interconnected, that my worst enemy is not another person but my own self-judging thoughts, and that black and white/good and bad are artificial divisions that are useless when trying to solve problems.
I see it every day in my coaching practice: A couple or a father and daughter come in, each in so much pain that they feel hopeless. In their hopelessness, instead of becoming more vulnerable, they become immobilized, each solidifying their arguments and positions, pushing away the one person they most want to be loved by.
Perhaps this is what we do more globally. Fueled by religious rhetoric that warns us of an impending apocalypse and by scientists reiterating that we are on the precipice of an irreversible global disaster in the form of global warming, we despair. This despair immobilizes and polarizes us.
So what can I do to get out of fear and hopelessness–out of endurance–and possibly make a difference in a way that is consistent with compassionate action? Today, I read a prayer by the Dalai Lama: “As long as space endures, and for as long as living beings remain, until then may I too abide, to dispel the misery of the world.” Today, I will repeat this prayer over and over as a reminder to keep my focus on dispelling misery, not creating more through my self-judgment, hopelessness, or defensiveness. Today, when I get angry at my government officials or terrorists or child molesters, I will try to move through righteous indignation to compassion for the misery of both the vanquishers and the vanquished. Today, I will seek more avenues for expressing this compassion, along with hope, joy, and love. The world has given me so much; I owe it this in return.

Tags:compassion, dalai lama, dear jane, endurance, fear, hopelessness, interconnectedness, Jane Straus, relationships, self-judgment
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The Difference Between Thriving and Just Enduring

Monday, June 12th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
What do you mean by “endurance” and what’s wrong with it? I always thought enduring was a good thing.

When I am interviewed on radio or TV, I am always asked to explain what I mean by “endurance.” I use an analogy taught to me by one of my mentors, Brandon St. John, some 25 years ago. This analogy was used by Al Gore in his amazing film, “An Inconvenient Truth,” where he offers us irrefutable evidence that global warming is real and dangerous and a hope and a plan for rescuing the planet now. The analogy goes like this: When frogs are placed in water that is too hot, they will hop out immediately. However, when frogs are placed in water that is just right and then the water is heated slowly, they will ENDURE and never jump out, no matter how hot the water gets. Our mutual point is this: When we put up with anything that is unhealthy for our spirit or our environment for too long, like the frog, we may not notice until it is too late. In Al Gore’s cartoon with the frog, the frog is rescued by awareness and action. In Enough Is Enough!, I offer so many ways to become aware and stop enduring now, not later, not after we have accumulated too much regret or poisoned our system with too much resentment. Not after we have ignored our spirit to the point that we can no longer hear its whispers.
If you pay attention to your spirit today, if you “take your leap,” you will undoubtedly help yourself, others, and possibly our planet. Here are some immediate ways to start living your extraordinary life and to set an example for others. None of them are easy. All of them require willingness, perseverance, and self-compassion:
1. Stop one self-defeating behavior just for a day and replace it with a healthy, affirming one. You don’t have to change your thoughts, just your behavior. Your mind just may catch up with you.
2. Tell someone about a goal you wish to accomplish. Ask them to support you in it, even to the point of keeping your word about it. Don’t let yourself off the hook. This is perseverance, not endurance, and it is one of the best ways to build self-esteem.
3. Ask yourself where you have not been in integrity with someone. Then make it right. Righting our wrongs is loving kindness put into action. It is humbling and keeps us from self-righteousness.
4. Acknowledge something good in yourself and then acknowledge something good in a person you are having difficulty with.
There are many more ways to get out of your prison of endurance and to make each day forward a remarkable one. Promise yourself you will make thriving your new habit. After all, we are not frogs, are we?

Tags:dear jane, endurance, endurance mode, enduring, Jane Straus, listening to spirit, regret, spirit, thriving
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Is God On Your Side?

Thursday, June 8th, 2006

USA Today had a front-page article, “Rockies seek revival on and off field,” affirming that the baseball team has improved its league standings since it began embracing “Christian values” three years ago. Now, it isn’t unusual to use faith as a motivator and team builder in sports. And if “Christian values” means less drinking, less focus on individual gain, and more focus on character building and caring for others, then I have no doubt that this shift in values is making a difference for the team.

My concern was when Rockies chairman, CEO, and part owner Charlie Monfort said, “I believe God sends signs, and we’re seeing those…” Rockies general manager O’Dowd said, “You look at things that have happened to us this year…Those aren’t just a coincidence. God has definitely had a hand in this.”

Some who believe in a God that takes great interest in all of our day-to-day dealings will look for signs of right thinking everywhere, including if we got hired for that job we really wanted or whether our team won and made us a little richer in the office pool that day. I get nervous about humans invoking God’s stamp of approval when things go well (or at least well according to that person’s viewpoint). Does this mean that the 100,000 + Iraqi citizens who have died as “collateral damage” in the war deserved their fate? Or if you don’t get the job you hoped for, you are a bigger sinner than the person who did get the job? Pat Robertson blamed the victims of Katrina for their plight, stating that they were being punished by God.

What about the notion that sometimes bad things happen to good people? Even if we believe that everything–good or bad–happens for a reason, can any of us claim to be all-knowing enough to know these reasons? When we insist that God is on our side because we have been momentarily blessed with what we perceive as success or abundance, we lurch dangerously toward narrow mindedness and arrogance, shutting us off from our natural state of compassion for the suffering of others.

How about compassion, thoughtfulness, truthfulness, and forgiveness, not because God will reward us for them, but because we inherently value these character traits? Isn’t it enough to look at the reflection in the mirror and see someone who is kind, who can say, “I don’t know all the reasons for my and others’ fortune/misfortune. But I will, in this not-knowingness, choose loving kindness toward myself and others once again.”

Tags:bad things happen to good people, compassion, creating, dear jane, God, Jane Straus, manifesting
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Your Relationship With Money

Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with money. How can I change this so that I am more financially secure?

Most of us struggle, at one time or another, about money. But what is that struggle really about? I read an article in USA Today about couples and their relationship with money. Most of the advice they received had to do with planning ahead, paying down high credit card debts, discussing long-term financial goals, etc. This is all worthy advice; however, our relationship with money runs much deeper, sometimes at an unconscious level. Here are a few questions I ask myself whenever I am in “lack consciousness,” where I worry about not having enough of something, whether it’s enough money, time, resources, help, skill, compassion–whatever I’m focused on lacking at that particular moment.
1. Where is the real feeling of lack coming from?
When I judge that I don’t have enough, I must, in some way, be judging myself as not being enough. As a result, I may manifest that judgment in the form of lack of financial resources.
2. What else might I be avoiding by focusing on money concerns? If I’m not living in my deepest truth or fulfilling my purpose and am afraid to address this, perhaps because I feel overwhelmed by the changes I might be required to initiate, I may find it easier to create money problems to focus on. Money can seem so concrete and real.
3. Am I seeking sympathy from others? If I create financial neediness, am I really needing love, compassion, sympathy, attention, or understanding from others? Is my money “problem” a way of indirectly getting my needs met because I am ashamed of this need?
4. Am I giving enough love, compassion, etc. to myself or is that where the lack really stems from?
5. If I’m fighting with my partner about money, what are we really fighting about? Is one of us resentful about something else? Do either of us feel undervalued by the other?
6. If I overspend, why am I filling up with stuff (material goods)? Is it that I don’t trust I can be filled up in any other way? What else do I really need?
I hope this blog offers you the opportunity to heal your relationship with money. But more than that, I hope that you allow more abundance of every kind into your heart and your life.

Tags:abundance, creating abundance, dear jane, Jane Straus, lack consciousness, money, worthiness
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Making and Breaking Promises

Tuesday, May 30th, 2006

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I had the honor of officiating a wedding this last weekend, giving me a chance to reflect on the idea of promises and vows. What promises can/should we make to others and to ourselves? Which ones might be overreaching or setting us up to disappoint?

I’ve never felt comfortable with a vow that ended with “til death do us part.” Maybe this is because I don’t believe in adults committing to stay in a relationship no matter what, without any conditions. While the love between parent and child is the closest most of us get to the experience of unconditional love, between two consenting adults it’s healthy to have agreements for the relationship to continue and thrive.

Those vows or agreements can include respect, love, and compassion for our partner. But how many of us remain perfect with these vows? One of the most important vows is the one to tell the truth when we make a mistake or hurt each other’s feelings out of anger or hurt, to apologize without expectation of our partner’s forgiveness, and to practice forgiving ourselves. It feels to me that if we include the vows of love, respect, compassion, truth, and amends, we have a better chance of making it until death do we part.

I love the poem below by Hafiz, the Sufi poet, because it acknowledges the optimism and joy with which we may make promises but also the reality that we are students in Classroom Earth.

First there is wonderful laughter
And probably precious tears
And a hundred sweet promises
No one can ever keep
But the universe is delighted and amused
You once tried to be a saint.
What happens when your soul
Begins to awaken in this world
To our deep need to love
And serve the Friend?
O, the Beloved will send you
One of His wonderful, wild companions!

Let me know your thoughts.

Tags:commitments, dear jane, hafiz, Jane Straus, marriage, partner, promises, relationship, sufi, truth
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