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Posts Tagged ‘self-judgment’

If Your Child Is “A Quitter”

Thursday, November 15th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
My teenaged son started playing Lacrosse last year but quit mid-season. This year he took up diving but wants to quit that too. I’m afraid he’s going to fail in life if he doesn’t follow through on his commitments. My wife says my son’s self-esteem is suffering because I’m too hard on him. I think we have to ride him harder and tell him he has to stay with diving until the end of the school year. All I know is that I’m at the end of my rope, we’re all arguing, and nothing’s getting better.

As hard as it is for us parents to watch sometimes, it is the job of teenagers to find out who they are in the world, where they fit in, and where their talents lie. This requires trying on lots of roles. What kids find, if they’re courageous enough to test enough waters, is that not every role fits them. But this process teaches them discernment and, painful as it may be for them to fail or for us to see them quit, saying yes and then no to new things is a rite of passage into adulthood.

In addition, children often act as mirrors for our own fears, self-judgments, and limiting beliefs. If we can embrace this concept, we can learn so much about ourselves through them. So rather than focus on fixing your son, which is obviously not working, how about if we focus on what his behavior stirs in you.

What are your self-judgments about failure or quitting in your own life? Do you have any regrets from your past around quitting something too soon before you gave it enough of a chance? What are your own fears about failure? Be truthful with your answers and then forgive yourself for your past mistakes. This will help you see more clearly what your son needs from you and stop the vicious cycle you’re in with both your son and your wife.

Perhaps he could use your help with criteria for deciding when to persevere and when to let go. Your own experience, even if embarrassing, could prove enlightening for him. And if he does suffer from low self-esteem, maybe sports are not the answer to build him up. Perhaps you could help him find another activity that boosts his morale and his belief in his competence, individuality, and ability to succeed.

If you are looking for a way to approach him differently so that you get different results, remember to ask open-ended questions such as, “How do you feel about having quit Lacrosse? What about diving don’t you like? What about it do you like? What other activity would you want to pursue if you did quit diving?” Make sure you don’t argue with his answers or try to use this as a lecture opportunity. Just listen. It’s the one thing that teenagers say they need most from parents and yet receive the least. Teenagers, like the rest of us, feel loved by being heard without being judged. I bet that you will learn something you didn’t know about your son and will feel closer.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Enough Is Enough! Seminar in New Orleans
I’m in New Orleans, about to give my Enough Is Enough! Seminar for Katrina survivors. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you in next week’s newsletter.

I was also invited to be interviewed on a radio program while I’m here on the topic of “The Miseducation of Professional Women.” As soon as I have the link for you to listen, I will let you know.

Jane on TV January 10, 2008
I will be interviewed on NBC 11’s The Bay Area Today on January 10. I will be talking about New Year’s resolutions. Expect a fresh take on the subject. More details to follow.

About Jane
Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:failure, limiting beliefs, parent-child communication, parenting, self-esteem, self-judgment
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10 Keys to an Extraordinary Life

Wednesday, June 20th, 2007

When I am asked to summarize the essence of my book, Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life, I offer these ten keys. I hope they serve, on a daily basis, to help you create the extraordinary life you deserve.

TEN KEYS TO CREATING YOUR EXTRAORDINARY LIFE

1. Recognize that you are enduring.
Do you feel that you never have time to stop? Do you distract yourself with eating, working, volunteering, cleaning, etc.? Do you resent that you never have time to do the things your spirit longs for? Do you feel resigned rather than inspired? If you wake up most mornings feeling anxious, bored, or numb, looking forward to some imagined future time when you will feel happier – “when my children finally start school,” “when my bills are paid off,” “when I retire”-then you are enduring.

2. Release your self-judgments.
Your negative beliefs about yourself that are holding you back-you’re untalented, too fat, not smart enough, etc.- are probably rooted in your childhood. Why would you let your “inner seven-year-old” run your life? These judgments are real but they are only as true as you have believed them to be. Give yourself compassion for having carried the burden of your self-judgments. Replace them with affirmations and find new evidence to support your willingness to believe in them. Affirmations are as true as you allow them to be.

3. Question your limiting beliefs.
When you tenaciously hold on to the belief that the world works in one particular way (against you), or that there is only one right way to do something (and you are doing it wrong), or that your actions will inevitably result in a specific and predictable outcome (bad), you are strapping on blinders. Make a commitment to take off those blinders. It will take practice and patience to stay out of “limiting belief territory,” but eventually it will become second nature. You’ll quickly start to see that life no longer feels boring and predictable.

4. Drop your acts.
When you put on the armor of an act, you sacrifice your authenticity for protection. For instance, you think no one can hurt you if you’re tough enough…or that everyone will love you if you’re nice enough…or that everyone will respect you if you never admit to being wrong. Your acts will become your prison. Instead, give yourself joyful permission to become more of who you really are. You will feel free and you will find that who you are is much more interesting than any character you could possibly play.

5. Face down your fears.
What fear is keeping you from living your extraordinary life? Whatever it is—quitting your unfulfilling job, leaving an abusive marriage, telling the truth about your past—you must face it head on. Recognize that F.E.A.R. means “False Evidence Appearing Real.” Think of the worst-case scenario and see yourself living through it with dignity. Get support from others. Create an affirmation, such as, “I am now courageous.” Then, just do it. Remember that no matter what the momentary outcome of facing down your fear brings, your worth as a person is constant and never in question.

6. Free your feelings.
If you feel bored, you are probably ignoring or avoiding something. Make an effort to connect with your feelings. Sit in a quiet place and close your eyes. Take some deep breaths. Check in with your body. Do you feel any tightness or pain? Give that pain or tightness a name, such as fear, hurt, anger, resentment, sadness. If your body feels light and open, give that an emotional name such as joy, love, happiness. Whatever emotions you feel and name, just allow them to be. If they change, let that be. Let yourself be. Learn to honor your emotions. Give them an opportunity to inspire you.

7. Heal your anger and resentment.
When you can acknowledge that your resentments are fueled by your personal regrets, you free yourself to step out of the victim role. It is not that you are letting others off the hook for unkind or unfair behaviors; they are still responsible for their intentions and actions. But the moment you uncover your regrets, you are empowered to let go of resentment.

8. Forgive yourself.
Make a list of the wrongs you have done to others and to yourself. See them as results of survival strategies. Acknowledge the consequences of these strategies to yourself and others. Grieve for your losses and your mistakes. Make amends with yourself and others. Create an affirmation to replace the self-judgments that drove you to using your survival strategies. And remember to treat yourself the way you would want others to treat you.

9. Know, speak, and live your deepest truths.
Commit to being truthful in all you say and do. Realize that being truthful is not synonymous with being honest. Truth is a complex blend of honesty mixed with compassion and vulnerability. When you are “brutally honest,” you are expressing your judgment but not expressing your truth. Your spirit knows the difference between truth and honesty. When you express your highest thoughts and intentions, you are able to live a true life, not just an honest one.

10. Create your extraordinary life every day.
To live in your truth is to allow your spirit’s energy into every cell of your being and into every thought and action. Here’s what this means in everyday terms: When you tell the clerk at the grocery store checkout counter that she has given you too much change, you make truth and spirit matter more than money. When you hear gossip and don’t pass it along, you make truth and spirit matter more than your momentary desire to feel important. When you tell someone you love him or her, unsure of whether he or she will say it in return, you make truth and spirit matter more than your fear of rejection. Make these decisions every day. It takes courage and commitment to be your extraordinary self. You will be amply rewarded with a rich and fulfilling life.

Read excerpts from Jane’s popular book, Enough Is Enough!, watch and listen to her TV and radio interviews on various topics, and sign up for her free newsletter, order her book, or have Jane as your personal life coach by clicking on stopenduring.com.

Tags:affirmations, anger, dear jane, enduring, extraordinary life, fear, forgiveness, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, resentments, self-judgment, truth
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5 Steps to Just Set Yourself Free

Monday, March 12th, 2007

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Just set yourself free. This line from a Paul Simon song beckons, doesn’t it? What if we could just set ourselves free? Well, we can if we know what imprisons us to begin with.

So often we tell ourselves that we would feel better if someone else in our lives changed, saw the light, or apologized. And, no doubt, we would feel better…at least until the next person came along and did us wrong. We can’t free ourselves from the prison of our hurt, fear, and resentment by waiting for others to transform. In truth, we owe it to ourselves to stop enduring and get happy now.

1. The first step is to recognize that everything begins with thought. To feel hurt, resentment, or fear, you had thoughts that triggered the feeling. It’s likely that these thoughts aren’t new to you. We tend to recycle painful thoughts because they are based on old beliefs and self-judgments. What self-judgments or beliefs are you recycling that are making you feel bad?

2. The second step is to realize that the person you wish would change is simply triggering your thoughts, not causing them! No one can make us feel bad about ourselves without our unconscious permission.

3. Be grateful–yes, grateful–that this person is such a great mirror. For better or worse, people reflect our beliefs about ourselves. Take advantage of what this person is bringing up for you.

4. Release your self-judgments and limiting beliefs. You can do this every day by practicing acting as if. Act as if you now respect and honor yourself. Act as if you are fully worthy and deserving of kindness and compassion. Act as if you are unconditionally loved by loving yourself unconditionally. Forgive yourself. Treat yourself well. This is how you will train yourself to see your self-judgments for what they are: blinders that keep you from seeing that you are so much more than your worst thoughts. You are enough. You are worthy, regardless of what you have believed and how you have behaved due to a false belief.

5. Remember this: The Jewish sage Hillel said, “What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor.” Let’s add a corollary today: “What is hateful to you, do not do to yourself.” Just set yourself free.

To learn more about how to stop enduring and start living your extraordinary life, visit Stopenduring.com and read excerpts from Enough Is Enough! by Jane Straus. You can also listen to her teleseminars and watch interviews of Jane sharing her powerful work.

Tags:dear jane, gratitude, habits of thought, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, negative thinking, self-judgment
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What A Life Coach Can Do for You

Thursday, January 18th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
What is a life coach and how do I know if I need or want one?

What I do as a life coach is help my clients recognize and let go of the sabotaging thoughts and behaviors that have undermined their success, joy, and intimacy. We all have sabotaging thoughts and behaviors; sometimes it takes someone else to help us see them and to believe in us more than we believe in ourselves. So I’m also an energetic cheerleader and true believer. I will often see the possibilities for a client’s future before he or she can. My job is to inspire each person I work with to create an extraordinary vision and to become adept with the tools to create that vision.

Some life coaches specialize; however, I find that trying to draw the line between personal and professional issues feels arbitrary and artificial. The issues you have—whether it’s a fear of rejection, a self-judgment that you’re not good enough, or a belief that you’ll never be happy—won’t impact just part of your life; you will experience it everywhere.

By healing fear, self-judgment, and limiting beliefs, you will shift both personally and professionally. Your self-esteem will grow and your relationships with colleagues, friends, and family will feel healthier and deeper.

Tags:dear jane, Jane Straus, life coach, limiting beliefs, self sabotage, self-esteem, self-judgment
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Being Yourself

Monday, December 25th, 2006

Dear Jane,
Why can’t I be myself? I’m always afraid that I’m not good enough, that I have to cater to others first, that nothing I feel, do, or believe measures up. I don’t think it comes from how others see me; it comes from inside me, and I can’t figure out why.

Even if it comes from others, you’re right that these thoughts originate within you. Who is this self that you are so afraid doesn’t measure up to your standards? Do you look at a baby and even think to say, “You don’t measure up”? How are you any different from that little, perfect being? When could your perfection have diminished?

You are in an illusion that you are telling yourself for some reason—probably a reason so old you can’t even remember when you began to tell yourself that you are unworthy. Perhaps you inherited this belief from your parents.

What you must do now, for your precious spirit’s sake, is question authority—especially yours! Ask yourself, “How does it serve me to hold onto this self-judgment and limiting belief?” Every harsh judgment we place on ourselves is an attempt to keep us safe somehow—safe from further rejection or abandonment usually. This is how people pleasing becomes such a habit-forming behavior.

I encourage you to read Chapter 4 of Enough Is Enough! “Drop Your Acts: Become Who You Already Are.” Until we are authentic, we cannot feel loved because if others don’t know us, how can they love us? There’s no “us” there to love. You can change your life in an instant by changing just one thought or one behavior today. This is vital work for your spirit.

Tags:authentic self, dear jane, fear of rejection, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, low self esteem, self-judgment, self-love, spirit, unworthy, worthiness
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Healing Your Grief

Monday, December 25th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
Why do I feel so bogged down and sooo wrapped up with myself that it has become a physical thing? I feel like I have “cancer of the heart.” When will this sad, unrelenting “Why me? It’s not fair. I don’t deserve a divorce” mindset ever go away?

First of all, you are asking yourself the wrong questions, questions that set you up for staying in a rut because they are so self-judging.

Although I don’t know how long you have been feeling this unrelenting sadness, it is important to respect your grief. When you lose a relationship, whether it is to divorce or death, you have a right to grieve. Unpopular as grieving is, it is necessary to experience for as long as it’s there. The more you beat yourself up about grieving, the slower the healing process. Practice more compassion for yourself. You have lost something. You feel rejected. These feelings are hard enough without your shaming yourself for them.

Perhaps this divorce is also bringing up past loss or rejection. Or you may be experiencing clinical depression or Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome in addition to your grief. I encourage you to talk to a life coach or therapist to help assess your unique situation. You shouldn’t have to bear the burden of your pain alone.

Read Chapter 6 of Enough Is Enough!, “Unchain Your Heart: Free Your Feelings” and also Chapter 7, “Take Off Your Armor: Heal Your Anger and Resentment.” Underneath your self-pity may be anger and resentment that need to see the light of day in order for you to get free. Please keep me posted.

Tags:dear jane, divorce, grief, healing process, Jane Straus, post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd, rejection, resentment, self-judgment
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Shining Your Light In the Face of Misery

Monday, December 18th, 2006

Dear Jane,
I wonder if it is possible to be happy, to live one`s inspiring life when the dear people around you suffer. You can see the way out if you were in their place, but you can`t live their life.

It is even more important to foster your own happiness and to live an inspired life when you see others around you who are suffering unnecessarily, imprisoned in their fear, hurt, self-judgments, or limiting beliefs. If you take on their misery, you are not serving them. They will only believe in their own helplessness and pain more. The Buddha said to “Be the light.” Just as fear is contagious, so are inspiration, peace, compassion, and joy. When we shine our light by choosing these states whenever possible, we help illuminate the way for others.

Tags:Buddha, compassion, dear jane, fear, inner light, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, self-judgment, shine your light, suffering
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Letting Go of A Destructive Love

Friday, December 15th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
How do you let go of a love you know is not good for you?

Being in love with the “wrong” person is the seed of so many poems, novels, films, plays—not to mention the core of much of our pain and longing. While I don’t know your particular situation, I can say that willing yourself not to love someone is very difficult. I’ve never known anyone who was successful at it. Just as falling in love is a mysterious phenomenon so is falling out of love. Both often happen when we least expect it. What you can do is treat yourself with dignity, respect, and care in the meantime.

In my life coaching practice, I often work with people desperate to let go of “unhealthy love.” The most important question to answer is: Are you self-destructive in the relationship? If so, recognize that what you are calling love is not love; it is an addiction. Addictions feel good in moments but we pay the price, feeling a loss of self-esteem, powerlessness, hopelessness, anxiety, and depression to name a few symptoms. While you may not be able to “fall out of love,” just as an alcoholic may not be able to simply quit drinking, you can seek professional help to get you through the withdrawal period.

Like any addiction, you have to be ready to end your attachment to the relationship to really let go. If you’re not ready, be truthful with yourself. See what value there still is for you in the relationship. You can still gain insight and grow within a negative relationship (as long as you are not being emotionally or physically abused). Most importantly, stop judging your feelings. It’s a waste of time and only adds to self-destructive behavior. Take a look in my book, Enough Is Enough!, Chapter 3, “Remove Your Blinders.” It will help you begin to trust that you will learn something of value from this pain, something that you will not forget once you are released from the longing.

Tags:addiction, dear jane, Jane Straus, love, relationship, relationship advice, self-judgment, unhealthy love
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Free Seminar: Receiving

Saturday, October 21st, 2006

What an evening! Over thirty of us at the TangoDiva Salon/Seminar laughed and cried together as we went beneath our resentments, recognized our painful self-judgments, and committed to remembering that these self-judgments are real but not true. I’ll have the video from the evening edited and on the website so that you won’t miss a thing!

Feels like a lot of people I am working with lately are feeling isolated, alone, and stretched emotionally, particularly as the holidays loom. If this describes you or anyone you know, let’s do something together. If you would like to host a free evening seminar in your home (in the Bay Area), let me know. If you’d like to attend, let me know! I’ll offer a powerful and uplifting seminar for everyone ready to greet the holidays and new year with a more open heart and lighter spirit. Let’s connect as a reminder that we’re not alone, that others are willing to share our burdens, and that we can heal in the presence of compassionate support.

Tags:compassion, dear jane, holidays, Jane Straus, receiving, self-judgment
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Letting Go of Seething Resentment

Sunday, October 15th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
I don’t know if it’s fair to say that I “suffer” from road rage but I do resent the way a lot of people drive. My children don’t like that I’m always cussing people out and I realize I’m not being a great role model of ‘live and let live.’ How can I get a handle on this seething resentment that seems to come out at strangers?

As much as you don’t want to feel resentful and angry, you need to see it as a clue. Underlying every resentment is a disguised regret. So resentment provides an opportunity to heal.
Here’s one brief example of how I worked with my own road rage: I was cutting it close getting to an appointment and, sure enough, a driver pulled out in front of me and then drove ever so slowly. I found myself seething with resentment as each tenth of a mile passed. Although I didn’t scream or honk, I thought, “You idiot. You’re making me late. If it weren’t for you, I would have gotten there on time.”
While this may be true, I was certainly not creating inner or outer peace as steam was coming out of my ears. So I forced myself to go deeper to examine what my regret might be. To my surprise, my regrets began to unfold in layers from superficial to visceral. They were:
I regret making someone else late because of me.
I regret cutting things so close and feeling stressed.
I regret acting as though I’m not important enough to leave enough time for things in my life.
I regret believing I’m not important enough.
That last one struck me hardest—in my heart and gut. I was sad about it but relieved too. It was a relief to know that I could go from cursing at a stranger on the road to learning that I still need practice valuing myself more.
Healing from resentment is always the same: Look for the deepest, truest regret, which will likely contain an old self-judgment. Forgive yourself for how you have treated yourself and/or others as a result of holding this self-judgment. Then give yourself compassion.

Tags:anger, dear jane, Jane Straus, regret, resentment, self-judgment, self-worth
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